The No Contact Rule: How To Painlessly Get Through 30 Days
UPDATE: Since publishing this post, a lot of our readers have asked me for a step-by-step guide to the No Contact Rule that gets them out of damage control mode.
The most effective guide that I can recommend is the Active No Contact technique from the Ex Solution Program which focuses on emotional control and bringing yourself to your ex in a new way.
You want to use these 30 days to create a new you that will inspire him to open up and connect with you more.
Read more about the Active No Contact technique in the Ex Solution Program review.
I have bad news for you ladies. When it comes to relationship reconciliations, more often than not, you are your own worst enemies. Which is why using the No Contact Rule to get your ex back may be your only hope.
Here’s the thing: when a breakup goes down, even the most confident women have the potential of spiraling out, particularly if they were the dumpee rather than the dumper.
There is something engrained in our psyches that kicks desperation into high gear when a relationship ends that we weren’t ready to say goodbye to. And that desperation leads us to do stupid things… I like to call it Redemption Desperation.
It is what makes using the No Contact Rule so essential. If this is going to work, you have to first remove yourself from the situation.
If you can’t fight Redemption Desperation on your own, the Ex Solution Program is a great guide to help you go through this period.
It was tough for me too. I will never forget the first time I succumbed to Redemption Desperation myself. It was a guy I wasn’t even all that into, but when he dumped me? Suddenly I needed him back. My pride depended on it. Ironically, it was that pride I sacrificed when I pushed way too hard for another chance. I didn’t get that chance, but I did learn a valuable lesson: implementing no contact to get him back.
So I am going to need all you ladies out there to take a deep breath and put your big girl panties on – because if you truly want your former flame back, you are going to have to chuck the Redemption Desperation and embrace the No Contact Rule after a breakup.
Will no contact bring him back? Well, it’s part of the equation for sure. And it is also a necessary component of finding yourself in this breakup.
But we’ll get to that.
Wait… What Exactly Do You Mean By “No Contact”?
Using the No Contact Rule after a breakup to get him back means just that – no contact. You don’t pick up the phone to text your ex, or tentatively make plans to meet up for lunch. You don’t show up at this guy’s favorite coffee spot or bang down his door for a late night bootie call. You don’t contact your ex boyfriend. Period. And if he contacts you?
Well, you play that cool too.
Look, in most cases you don’t want to be flat-out ignoring your ex if he is picking up the phone and dialing your number, but you also don’t want to cave every time he decides he might just miss you either. Because the problem with giving in to his wishy-washy behavior is that you reinforce for this man you used date the fact that you will always be there. And if he thinks that, your ex has no reason to want you back – after all, he can change his mind at any time.
You are better then that, I promise. And you deserve to have your former flame pining away at your feet, not keeping you on a leash as just another option.
You have to stick to it even if he seems to be regretting the breakup himself. The good news is – his regret means the No Contact Rule is working, but it doesn’t mean your work is done.
So avoid seeing him face to face at all costs during the no contact phase. If your ex seems anxious to see you in person, put him off.
- You're busy
- You have plans
- Work is crazy
- School is out of control.
- You're actually planning an impromptu trip with friends - sorry!
I don’t care what your excuse is, just so long as you have one. Because he is not in control here, you are. And the sooner you both recognize that, the better your chances of getting him back are.
The No Contact Rule works. But you have to commit to it fully.
What If We Work Together?
Of course, sometimes there are occasions where you can’t completely avoid interaction. Maybe you are taking a class together or are co-workers in the same building. When contact is unavoidable, you don’t want to be running away from your ex every time you spy each other in the hall. But don’t run into his arms either.
Keep it professional. Calm, cool and collected. If you must see each other, at least maintain some emotional distance. The whole point of the no contact rule is to prove to him and yourself that you don’t need him.
No matter how strong that Redemption Desperation may be trying to convince you otherwise.
I Don’t Understand. Doesn’t He Need to See Me to Want Me Back?
Listen ladies, I’ve been there. And I get how counterintuitive this advice may seem. You want to see your ex. You miss him and truly believe time around you will make him miss you too. But I need you to wake up and realize it doesn’t work like that.
When a relationship ends, there is a push-pull dynamic that is automatically created in its wake. The more pushing you do, the more pulling away your old love will do in return. So no, seeing you is not the way to get back into your ex boyfriend’s heart. But getting on the winning side of that push-pull dynamic is.
If you just step back and do your own thing, proving that you don’t actually need him and that you will be just fine if he decides to stay away – well, then the power miraculously winds up back in your court. The beauty is that in faking it to make it, you begin to remember just how worthy you are. And as your confidence grows and that distances increases – he starts to panic about what he may have thrown away.
Men need to be needed. They are cookie-cutter providers in that way. So the No Contact Rule taps into something primal for them.
If you aren’t caving to the Redemption Desperation, perhaps they weren’t as big a component of your life as they thought they were? Maybe you didn’t need them after all? And then what? Did you ever even care in the first place?
Guess what? You just ignited the Redemption Desperation within your ex. Because if you never needed him and could just so easily move on – well, now he has to get you back in order to prove his own worth in your life.
Game. Set. Match.
Fine, I’ll Try The No Contact Rule. How Long is This Supposed to Last?
There are a few schools of thought on this, but the exact length of time to implement the No Contact Rule has a lot to do with how messy your breakup was.
If you avoided falling apart and managed to keep your cool when he ended things, the 30-Day No Contact Rule may be enough to affect the change of heart you are looking for. It is just enough distance to allow your ex boyfriend to start missing you and to give you the opportunity to rediscover all you have to offer.
But you have to stick to it diligently. Thirty Days. No Contact. Go!
Now, if the breakup was a bit more complicated, or if you have succumbed to a few drunken texts or calls along the way since – you need to commit to the 60-Day No Contact Rule. You basically have to allow for more time to erase the damage done by your Redemption Desperation.
Two months may seem like forever, but this is truly the time period necessary to reset that push-pull dynamic and to give you a leg up in winning your ex back. You have to give your former flame some distance from the behavior that caused him to end things in the first place.
After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in 60-days – you can do a whole lot of work on yourself as well.
Which might just be the most important aspect of the No Contact Rule.
Fighting Redemption Desperation
Avoiding the urge to call isn’t easy, I’m going to give you that. Redemption Desperation can be a powerful force, and when you are sitting alone late at night contemplating all the things you wish you had said or done – that desire to redeem yourself can become overpowering. Particularly if you have had a few drinks.
So start by limiting the alcohol during your period of no contact with your ex boyfriend. You need a clear head to remain strong.
Of course, there is more than just alcohol that can inhibit your strength. Hours spent stalking your former boyfriends Facebook page or sifting through old photos of the two of you will hurt you every time. Anything that reminds you of your ex is a potential trigger for Redemption Desperation, so don’t give into those urges.
Tuck the photos away, avoid the computer if you must and make a concerted effort to remove reminders of your ex from your life during this period of self reflection.
You will need that separation to focus on the truly important self-work you should be doing during this stage.
Does the no contact rule work? Absolutely! But no contact is only half the battle. The rest is about taking care of you while that distance is being enforced.
It may sound cliché, but now is the time to rediscover that girl your ex fell for in the first place. The one who was vibrant and exciting; the girl who had so much to offer. How long have you been in this relationship? And how much of yourself have you let go of in the process of trying to hold on to him?
No more! Take this time to find that girl you were before this man entered and exited your life. Because you know what? You are actually pretty awesome!
Pursue some passions you haven’t had time for in a while. Train for that half marathon you have always talked about wanting to run. Sign up for that art class you have always wanted to take. Join a co-ed softball team or start a book club or plan an epic trip with your girl friends.
It doesn’t matter what you are doing, just so long as you are doing something you wouldn’t necessarily have done while you were with the man from your past.
Make some positive changes in you, endeavoring to be a healthier and happier version of yourself. Embrace this brief period of freedom. The more you focus on you, the easier the Redemption Desperation will be to avoid and the greater the likelihood that your ex will be begging for another chance by the time this is all said and done.
After all, the best revenge is living a good life.
If you really want your ex back, you have to nurture that girl you once were first; remembering to never throw her to the wayside again.
Oh No! I Broke the No Contact Rule!
You thought you were doing so well. Two weeks in, no contact and going strong. But then, you had a girl’s night out. And perhaps one too many shots. You convinced yourself that just one text couldn’t hurt. I mean, you care about him and you just wanted to see how he was doing.
Totally normal, right? One text can’t possibly hurt.
Except, it does. Remember that push-pull dynamic we already talked about? Well, breaking the silence puts you on the wrong end of that dynamic and gives the power back to your ex. It puts you right back at square one. Which means, unfortunately, you have to start over from scratch.
Day one of the No Contact Rule.
Look, nobody wants to hear that they threw all that progress in the garbage, but in this case – you threw all that progress in the garbage. By making contact, you reminded your ex that you are still around, still missing him and still available if he changes his mind. You didn’t even give him the chance to start missing you in return. You basically started a diet, and then decided to give up and binge on a box of donuts only halfway to your goal.
The good news is, you haven’t completely blown your chances. The bad news is, you have to suck it up and accept the consequences of your error. So stand up, dust your ass off and start over.
You can do it. Just remember – this is you time. Push him to the background and focus on you from start to finish. Your ex boyfriend will still be there when the no contact period is over, and if you’ve done everything right – he will be dying to see you.
Knowing When and How to Ease Back In
Just so that we are clear, under no circumstances should you cut the no contact period short. But if you have remained committed to your original goal, the time will come for breaking the no contact rule.
But how do you do that and still maintain the ground you have gained?
Your best bet is always going to be an orchestrated run-in. This allows you to still come off as easy breezy about your split, while keeping the cards in your hands. So rather than picking up the phone as soon as your no contact period is over, take some time to plan something a little more covert.
Maybe there is a party being thrown by a mutual friend in just a few weeks, or an event coming up that you have both attended in the past. If you already have a perfectly scheduled opening on the books, extend your no contact period out just a bit longer and let that social outing be your first face to face.
If nothing is coming up that would serve as a perfect run-in event, however, then orchestrate your own. Now you can start frequenting your former flame's favorite coffee shop, bar or book store. You might even want to check his social network profiles now to see if you can get an idea of where your ex will be in the coming weeks. But whatever you do, make that run-in seem totally coincidental.
And, of course, remember all the amazing things you have discovered about yourself in this period of no contact. Because it wasn’t just about separating yourself from him, it was also about reconnecting with the incredible girl that you are. The kind of girl no man should be able to resist.
Be strong. Be confident. Be stunning.
The poor guy won’t even know what hit him.
P.S. Don't skip the No Contact Rule. If you truly want your ex boyfriend back, this is the time to heal your emotional wounds and rebuild yourself to better connect with your ex boyfriend.
The easiest way is to follow the Active No Contact technique in the Ex Solution Program that teaches you to go through the NC rule the right way.