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Breakups are one of the hardest experiences you’ll have to go through in your life. It’s no walk in the park and never gets easier. Even if the guy you dated wasn’t husband material, there’s never a right time to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent a chunk of your life with.
Now, if you believe your ex-boyfriend is the love of your life, then it’s going to be harder for you to move on.
Want to know how to get over your ex when it feels impossible to let go? How do you cope with the fact that your ex-boyfriend walked out the door and out of your life?
I know it’s hard for you to accept the fact that your relationship is over. It’s not only because you’re sad and embarrassed about getting dumped, but you have no clue what to do to get back on your feet and live your life.
Those two words are so intimidating right now. And you have zero ounces of energy to make it happen. The pain is running through every nerve of your body, and all you can think about is rubbing a genie lamp to make things go back to what it used to be.
Sorry, that’s not going to happen, girl.
The pain is real, so don’t run from it. Feel it and embrace your feelings. It’s all part of your recovery process, which will only make you stronger if you choose to fight this breakup head on.
I know you are feeling hopeless. But trust me, once you read the many ways to get over your ex, you will have a clear path to start your recovery.
In short, time is on your side. It’ll heal your wounds and shine an unbiased light on your past relationship. You just need to give yourself time to reflect and rediscover what truly matters to you.
Why Is It Hard To Get Over Your Ex?
You spent every second of your life together with your ex. Woke up to the same morning routine, hung out in the same circle, binged to Game of Thrones all night with chips and salsa.
Nothing kept you two apart. Even when you guys aren’t together, you knew what the other person was doing. Your lives were so in sync with each other that your lifestyles have blurred into one.
Now that you’re separated, it feels like a part of you is missing. In fact, research shows that when your ex is out of the picture, your brain is craving what it is missing. Now that your ex is gone, it feels like there’s a big hole in your life.
And your brain has no access to that satisfaction anymore.
This is why it’s so hard to get over your ex. Your brain is still wired to think that your ex-boyfriend is around. It’s still running on the same loop from your relationship. And when it’s not able to fill in the role your ex usually plays, it starts to crave for that hole to be filled.
The more intense the cravings get, the more desperate you become. You start to give in to the temptation by taking desperate actions to satisfy your needs. Stalking on Instagram, leaving drunk texts, and possibly giving in to a late-night booty call.
Whatever it takes to get a “fix” for your craving, right?
Wrong. The more you surrender to your craving, the deeper you’ll fall into this downward spiral. Just like someone struggling with drug addiction.
What do you do?
You fight the temptations and resist any urge that is related to your ex. You slowly try to rewire your brain to do every daily activity by yourself.
You re-program your life in a new post-boyfriend / new-me era.
You change your Facebook status from “dependent on ex” to “I kick ass on my own.”
While you are licking your wounds, you also need to think about reclaiming yourself.
I know starting over is hard. But anything worth doing is never easy.
Ways To Get Over Your Ex
Getting over your former flame requires an attack plan from multiple angles. That’s right, we are going on the offense girl!
We’re not going to sit around and sob our life away, hoping some guy will magically take pity and rescue us.
No, we’re launching a full out plan to move past this heartbreak as quickly as possible.
Below are my favorite ways to get over an ex. The more ways you can try, the faster you’ll heal from your breakup.
Go Ahead, Bawl Your Eyes Out
This is the first and foremost thing you should do. Just let it all out, girl. Let the mascara run and cry a river. You have every right to grieve the loss of someone and the end of the relationship.
Crying also lets your emotions move from your inside to the outside. It’s a healthy way to process your feelings, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the need to be vulnerable and emotional.
Trust me, once you’ve cried your eye ducts dry, you will feel a huge sense of relief. You will feel a lot of emotional weight removed from your shoulders. All the anger, disappointment, and sadness will start to slowing disappear.
You might not have all the answers to what you’re planning to do, but somehow, you’ll feel ready to take the first step to move on.
Write Down What You’re Going Through
I’ve never been able to keep a journal. I just never caught on to the habit. But every time I broke up, I find myself with a pen and a piece of paper writing away my feelings and relationship.
I’m just “writing” out loud and spilling my emotions on paper. It still amazes me how therapeutic this exercise is. You get a sense of relief letting out your thoughts, and you get to read and reflect what your mind is going through.
If you want to vent your thoughts and feelings, writing it out works best. Even if you don’t know how to express yourself, just write. You won’t find the exact words to reflect how you feel. But every word you lay down on that piece of paper is a physical effort of you releasing emotional stress.
One of the main reasons why I highly recommend keeping a journal is because it helps you understand your past relationship when all the details laid out in front of you. You can actually see what you’re going through. And that is very powerful!
Because now you can organize your thoughts and try to connect the dots to make sense of everything.
It’s like doing math in your head versus solving the problem on paper. Writing it out always wins.
Once you start to review your daily logs, you start to see some patterns that will help you understand some weaknesses and flaws in your love resume.
The bottom line, writing out your story is your best chance to find out what went wrong. Be honest with yourself and let your thoughts flow.
So what if you don’t have a boyfriend. You don’t need anyone to pamper and spoil yourself. In fact, there’s no better time now that you’re single and free to treat yourself the way you deserve.
Having a lovely quiet brunch, schedule back-to-back spa days. Or just rent a car and drive across the countryside.
With no relational responsibilities, you’re free to roam girl!
You’re free to ride solo and do what you love to do. Being single should feel this liberating because you know that the only person that has any power over you should only be you.
- Is there a place you’ve always wanted to go, but your ex never wanted to?
- Is there a passion you wanted to pursue, but you couldn’t get around to it?
- Are you dying to try new things to spice up your life?
Now is the time to explore and find out what you’re made out of.
No need to compromise or seek someone’s approval to do something. The only person that has the authority to decide is you. This is an essential phase in your recovery process because it helps you remind yourself of what you really want in life.
Now it’s time to redeem what you missed out on while in a toxic relationship.
So let’s become a badass version of yourself.
Here are a few quick benefits when you date yourself.
- You learn how to be independent and secure
- You get to do what you want to do
- You try new things
- You make new friends
- You can inspire others
- You become more comfortable in your own skin
- You learn to put yourself first
So go brush off your emotional pain and start to live your life. It’s time to treat yourself like a queen.
Keep Yourself Busy
This is related to the idea above, but I want to emphasize the importance of keeping yourself busy while you’re getting over your ex.
Think of yourself as a great white shark. It needs to constantly swim forward to stay alive so that it receives oxygen when the water filters through its gills.
For you to survive this breakup, you need to be in constant motion and keep yourself occupied. I know you’re in no mood to do anything. But once you get yourself out the door, your mind will shift to focus on the task ahead.
Just get your body moving and blood pumping. That’s all I’m asking.
Don’t know where to start? How about giving your living space a new vibe?
- Rearrange your furniture
- Clear out any items that remind you of your ex
- Paint your walls a different color
- Update your walls and shelves
- Add some greenery
Another easy way to keep yourself busy is to focus on your career. Take on additional projects or another role in the office. Now is a great time to throw yourself into your career (or passion) and let your professional life take over.
This is the moment for you to shine.
Keep in mind that any activity that helps you with your confidence and makes your smile is a positive distraction. Every effort to take your mind off your breakup is one step closer to moving on.
So fill up your schedule and get going on your awesome day.
De-Pedestal Your Ex
One of the reasons why it’s hard to get your ex out of your head is because you still think your ex is irreplaceable.
Well, he’s not.
In your mind, you still reminisce about the great moments you two spent together, and every little sweet thing your ex does to make you smile. It’s amazing how we can vividly remember all the positive memories of our relationship. When we are experiencing a loss, our mind chooses to think about the ups rather than the downs of the relationship.
We idealize the relationship more than ever because it’s lost, and we want it back more than ever.
We’re also afraid of losing our picture-perfect future with our ex.
I know it’s hard to move on from your ex. You feel like you’ve lost everything in your life. Your future, your better half, and the time and sacrifices you made to make things work.
You put everything you had into the relationship, and now it’s worth nothing.
And now, you’re craving to get things back to normal so that you can retrieve what you’ve worked so hard for. The problem here is that the more you want your ex back, the higher you put him on the pedestal like your life revolves around him.
This is the wrong mindset.
You are overvaluing your ex and looking at your relationship with rose-tinted glasses. You’re giving your ex way too much credit for what he means to you.
The truth is that your relationship wasn’t all that perfect. Chances are, tensions were brewing underneath for a while that led your ex to break up with you.
If you were honest with yourself, you probably know the reasons for your split. If not, just give it some time, and you’ll start to see things from the outside looking in.
Here’s a quick exercise to help you get over your ex. It’s called negative reappraisal. Studies have shown that focusing on your ex-partner’s negative traits will effectively de-value your perception of your ex.
Instead of thinking of how great your ex is, write down what you don’t like about him.
- His bad habits and pet peeves
- Flaws and weaknesses
- What bothers you about your ex?
- What makes your ex angry?
Here are some examples
- He eats with his mouth open
- He doesn’t use a coaster with a glass
- He pees in the shower
- He talks about himself too much
- He acts differently around his friends
Just list all the annoying and unappealing traits about your ex that turn you off. Instead of trying to remember only the positive aspects about your ex, now is the time to put your ex-boyfriend under a microscopic evaluation and see if he is really a gentleman.
Trust me, once you see a complete picture of your ex-boyfriend’s true character, you’ll come to a realistic conclusion that your ex isn’t worth someone crying a river for.
FYI, those tears are for your own emotional release.
Enforce No Contact
The last person you want to reach out to right now is your ex-boyfriend. If he still has a hold on you, you need to take drastic measures to make sure you can forget about him.
So lose the access and cut all contact with your ex.
- Delete his number
- Unfriend and block his social media
- Throw away his belongings and anything that reminds you of him
- Don’t visit places where you’ll bump into him
If possible, I would stay off social media while you’re trying to move on. You don’t need to waste time looking at anyone’s feed while your real life is broken into pieces.
Even when you don’t have access, you need to be mindful of any thoughts that lure you towards your ex. This means any excuses and reasons your mind comes up with to reach out to him.
Don’t let your mind fool you. It’s just trying to satisfy its cravings. The more you resist, the less power it has over you. I know it’s hard not to give in, and don’t blame yourself for being weak.
But if you put up some restrictions, this will automate your defense system and make any effort to contact your ex a lot harder.
Remember, out of sight, out of mind!
I’ve written many articles about the No Contact Rule. It is a very effective method that you need to practice from Day 1 of your breakup.
Getting Over Your Ex Takes Time
In the end, time is on your side to help you move on from your ex. What you need to do every day is to put yourself in motion and do things that matters to you. Eventually new routines will start to emerge, and your brain will rewire to focus on yourself.
It’s time for you to be selfish here.
There is no better time in your life to put your goals first. Even if you just had your heart broken, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of your love life. In fact, try to think of this breakup as a “break” that’s forcing you to reevaluate your life.
Something wasn’t right and this is a calling to reassess if you’re getting what you deserve.
Your ex may have been a great guy. But unfortunately, the spark isn’t there anymore. Maybe he’s emotionally unavailable or he just fell out of love. Whatever your ex’s reason is for turning away, you can feel some relief that it’s not all your fault.
So get started on the ideas above to get over your ex. Let go of your feelings and focus on yourself. The sooner you realize you’re a queen, the faster your heartache will disappear.
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