Breakups are the worst part of being in a relationship. It’s the end of all things. The final whistle that sounds off telling you and your ex that this is the end of the road for you two. It’s official, time to call out your pity crew to clean up.
I know it’s hard. And for many years, I struggled (and failed) on how to move on after a breakup. There is no straightforward process, and there shouldn’t be. Our relationships are different, and we each deal with our breakups differently.
Some of us find it easier to let go while others can’t get through the house thinking about their ex.
So how do you move on from a breakup and get going with your new single life?
How do you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and get everything you once envisioned about your future out of your mind?
Is it really over with your ex?
This might sound contradictory, but moving on from your ex shouldn’t be as hard as it is. Once you know the reasons holding you back, you can better understand the feelings you are going through.
Right now, it feels like a thousand needles are piercing in and out of your body at the same time. It hurts everywhere! You’re not hallucinating or alone feeling like this.
The pain is real.
Before we go through some ways to help you move on, I want to emphasize a significant opportunity that breakups provide.
You get a break!
What does that mean?
It means you get a break from life. Just like break time during your school years, it’s your time to have fun, play, and explore at your own free will.
You get to take a step back and look at your life from a different lens. Not a rose-painted lens that has your ex included in every slide. But a new direction of your future where you put yourself first.
I’ll go into details about this later when we discuss how to move on after a breakup. For now, let’s also look at some reasons why you are having such a hard time letting go.
I know it’s hard to smile a little right now, and I hope you can accept this positive news about your break-up.
Hang in there. It only gets better.
Why You’re Struggling To Move On After A Breakup
Like I mentioned earlier, moving on from a breakup shouldn’t be hard and take you forever to heal. If this is your first time you’re heart-broken, or you’ve been with your ex boyfriend for three-plus years, then the recovery process may take a little longer.
Brace yourself for an emotional rollercoaster.
How do guys get over a breakup so quickly? Well, if they break up with you, they probably checked out long ago before officially breaking the news to you. Others just have a switch in their brain and simply become indifferent to the whole relationship.
Most guys just say f*ck it and move on.
So why can’t we do that? Why can’t we just say “f*ck it” and move on like a boss?
Here’s the thing: you can!
But you’re unable to switch your emotional side off because you don’t know how to do it. It’s not how you are wired to quickly close a chapter in your life with someone you thought was the one.
I get it. Sometimes, I’m able to work up the guts to go in “f*ck it mode” with a guy that dumped me. Whatever right? But with guys that touched a deep nerve in my heart, it takes time to heal.
So here are a few reasons why it’s been hard for you to move on. I hope that by sharing these reasons, you can understand the issues and try to overcome them one by one.
Your Ex Is Still On Your Mind And Has A Hold On You
Deny or proudly admit it, your ex still has power over you. Whether it’s in your daily routine, your thoughts, or picking up yogurt at the grocery store reminds you of your ex, you haven’t gained control of your new self.
You’re stuck in your old mindset and allowing your ex to influence your behavior. I know it’s hard to try and forget your ex. It’s not easy to just snap out of your past and face your new reality while trying to pick yourself up.
In this case, you need to go into no contact and cut off everything and anything that makes you think about your past relationship.
Here are some reasons your ex still has a hold on you.
1. You see your ex on social media (and he’s moved on).
Blame it on Facebook, Instagram or Tik Tok’s algorithm. Your frequent visits to your ex’s posts will result in more of them appearing on your feed. It’s what you used to like and spend more time appreciating them while you two were together. But now, all those recent posts of your ex moving on is just going to hurt you more.
The only thing you can do is to delete or block your ex as a friend.
Can’t control yourself? Go a little extreme and de-activate yourself on social media. Don’t ever set eyes on any life-sucking social media platforms until you are ready to showcase your new self.
2. You hang out with mutual friends.
Guess who the innocent characters are in this breakup? Your mutual friends! Not only do they have to tip-toe around you, but your friends also need to inflict some self-control in their conversations that relate to your ex.
It’s hard when the conversations are going well, and everyone’s having a good time. Your ex’s name might just slip out and unleash an avalanche of questions from you asking how that a-hole ex is doing.
The worst part of being mutual friends? They have to choose sides.
So if you and your ex hang out with the same people, it’s going to keep you connected to him. Instead, acknowledge who those friends favor your former flame more and try to keep a distance.
In the end, it’s best for everyone to avoid the awkwardness.
3. You’re keeping the gifts from your ex.
The cliché heart-shaped necklace. The J’adore perfume that puts a smile on his face. The Nespresso machine your ex got you for your birthday. Yup, any gifts or items that remind you of your ex needs to go. You don’t want any objects that will make you reminisce the old days, especially items that will strike a precise memory of your relationship.
Buy a new coffee machine if you need to or think about buying from a coffee shop for the time being. If you are willing to let go of any item that makes you think about your ex, then you are slowly gaining strength and control of yourself.
You’re Alone To Face Reality
You’re alone to face the world. No more safety blanket your ex uses to protect you anymore. Yes, it’s nerve-wrecking to stand at the corner of your comfort zone, knowing that you have no choice but to step out of it and be on your own.
On. Your. Own.
You’re insecure and scared. You forget your self-worth. I know I was after my first breakup. I just couldn’t accept the fact that I had to recreate a new life and start over again.
It’s much easier to crawl back into bed and start wishing for things to go back to the way it was.
But that’s never going to happen.
So what are some reasons that are causing you to question your own self-worth?
1. The feelings of rejection haunts you.
Your ex rejected you, and now you think there’s something wrong with you. Maybe you know what it is (being too clingy), or you don’t, but you ex has discovered a flaw in you that makes you question your self-esteem.
Now you think you went from a ten to a six because of one flaw that caused your ex boyfriend to break up with you.
But guess what? Nobody is perfect. Neither is your ex.
I’m sure that if you start writing down all the pet peeves about your ex, anything he thinks about you won’t matter.
Besides, any flaws and bad habits can be fixed. Don’t let one judgment make think you’re not worth another man’s love.
It’s his loss.
Don’t let any weakness dictate who you are. Any imperfections you have is what makes you unique.
2. You refuse to move on and deal with the pain.
This is one of the most common reasons why people cannot move on from their breakup. They are holding on to any sign of hope that there’s a chance to get back together. They resist to step out of their comfort zone and firmly believe that their breakup is temporary once their ex realizes what he’s missing.
The more you convince yourself that your ex still “loves” you, the harder it will be for you to move on.
You need to let go of all the emotional memories that you are hanging on and focus the remaining energy on yourself.
Women Invest More Into The Relationship
We all have a checklist for our Prince Charming. I’ve probably revised mine a dozen times through trial and error. Once we find the guy that ticks a lot of the boxes, we pour everything we have into the relationship.
We make sacrifices for the sake of our future. We nurture the relationship. We put our partner first.
We do everything we need to make our perfect future fantasy come true.
But when our hopes and dreams come crashing down, it feels like we’ve lost everything.
For some reason, our luck has run out and the world is against us. One breakup is all it took to take away our future.
So yes. It’s harder for us to move on than men. We are more selective of our partner, we plan our relationship to great detail, and we put love and family first.
Now that your ex-love-of-your-life is out of the picture, it’s hard to let go of this “dream.” We feel like everything just went down the drain. But that’s not true.
Just because your ex is not in the picture anymore doesn’t mean that your future is all gone. He’s totally replaceable in your dream. You just need to remind yourself that this is your future, not his.
If not, try to rethink your future where you’re putting yourself first.
How To Move On After A Breakup
In the first section, I went through some reasons that may be holding you back. Once you understand the issues, the recovery process will be easier and faster.
Below are some ways to help you through the healing process. There is no perfect method. Some are more effective than others. I would suggest using a combination of all the ways to speed up your recovery.
Here’s a quick list of all the methods below:
- Let yourself mourn
- Take time to reflect on the relationship
- Fight for your love until you get tired
- Motivate yourself
- Say yes to change
- Throw yourself into your career
- Learn to let go
1. Let Yourself Mourn
You should treat your breakup as a loss. After all, you lost someone very special that you may never be with or see again. You deserve the right to grieve and mourn for losing someone who’s been ingrained in your everyday life.
So go ahead and cry it all out.
Let your cry and tears help you channel all your emotions out of your system. Trust me, you will feel a great deal of stress lifted off your shoulders once you’ve released the emotional pain that’s bottled inside.
It’s hard to accept the loss of someone you care deeply for. Only time will help you let go of this attachment and move on.
2. Take Time To Reflect On Your Relationship
One of the most effective things you can do about your past relationship is to learn from it. And the best way to assess your past is to write it all down in a journal.
Your feelings. Your mistakes (and your ex’s). And everything you took away from the relationship.
Trust me, the more you write, the more dots you’re going to connect and find your own conclusions.
Put all your thoughts, anger, anxiety, grief, pain, and regrets on paper so that you are not keeping all this negativity bottled up. Once you start writing, you’ll start feel the therapeutic benefit of journaling. Not only that, you’ll see a bigger and clearer picture of your relationship.
Chances are, your relationship with your ex wasn’t all roses and sunshine. But exposing the reality it will make it easier for you to let go and move on.
3. Fight For Your Love Until You Get Tired
This method is a bit unconventional, so some of my readers have tried it with some success. By success, I mean moving on and giving up on their ex.
The idea here is that you fight to get back together with your ex. Try to get his attention, and show him that you will move heaven and earth for him.
You must be a little careful here. This tactic requires some plotting and getting psychological. Because going to the ends of the world to fight for your love may come across as desperate and obsessive. But who cares, right? If you have nothing to lose, then let’s pull out all your cylinders and fire away.
Once you have exhausted all your ideas, there’s nothing left but to admit that you’ve given everything you have, and it’s time to move on.
Again, please proceed with this method with caution. You can come across as the crazy ex-girlfriend.
4. Use This Time To Better Yourself
I mentioned earlier that your breakup has a silver lining. It stops you in your life path and forces you to stop and rethink your future. If you’re a big believer in fate, I think this breakup is telling you to reassess your relationship and well-being.
So take this “break” period as the golden opportunity to re-evaluate yourself and whether you are heading in the right direction.
Are you achieving your life goals?
Are you happy with your life now and where it’s going?
Just these two questions are deep enough to help you reassess your life. Just like everyone else, we put aside our goals and ambitions aside when we prioritized our relationship. We lost focus on our personal dreams and opted for romance.
Now that your ex-boyfriend is out of the picture, it’s time to re-align the focus of your life back to you.
And once you put yourself first, make sure you find a man that’s going to support you all the way.
5. Moving On With A “Yes” Attitude
Like it or not, it’s time to make a change in your life. Something has gone stale, and it has drained the life out of you. Whatever it is, it might have something to do with your breakup.
I know it’s hard to think about making changes right now. The last thing on your mind is to get up, roll your sleeves up, and race out the door with determination to be a better person.
Start small and make changes that happen once only. For example, changing your bed sheets will give you new comfort. Adding new plants to your house can create a new vibe in your apartment.
For more effective changes, make an adjustment to your habits. Sleep and exercise at different schedules. Wake up earlier to get your most important done or sign up for yoga lessons to get back in shape. Switch from coffee to tea to appreciate new things.
Find that happiness again.
What I’ve always found useful is to change up my schedule and diet to stimulate a new lifestyle.
You can do the same. Just one small change at a time that makes you smile.
And if your friends ask you out, always say yes. Say yes to every opportunity to get out of the house. Even if you are in no mood to dress up, just hurl you’re a** out the door and let the evening take you away.
It’s the best distraction to help you get over a breakup.
The more you put yourself out there, the easier it is for your mind to generate new memories to replace old ones.
You never know when a hero will sweep you off your feet.
6. Throw Yourself Into Your Career
I know I may sound like a broken record, but one of my biggest advice is to leverage this “break” period to excel in your career. Not only does it help you stay busy and take your mind off your personal problems, but you have all the time to yourself to focus on the other thing that you love.
No more relational responsibilities. No need to split time between personal and work events. Just throw yourself completely into your career for a few months and reap in the rewards with a promotion or a bonus.
If you’re not so fond of your job, then find a hobby to focus on. Turn it into a side hustle and start exploring your passion.
The point is, you have all the time in the world to do what you love. This is the perfect moment where you can devote all your time to your work and be selfish about achieving success.
And guess what? Men are attracted to success.
7. To Move On, Learn To Let Go
I want you to think back to the last time you had to let go of something.
What was it?
What did you have to do to let it go?
Think back to the process and what it took for you to let go of it. How long did it take? Maybe it was a loss of a pet or some valuable item. But the process of letting go is similar.
I’m not going to hit you with some cliché line to set your ex-boyfriend free if you love him. Heck, he’s already out the door! What I’m asking you is to free yourself of holding onto something that’s not yours anymore. The more you hold onto your ex thinking he’ll come back soon, the more it impacts your life.
In other words, letting go of your past relationship is for your sake. It’s to relieve you of all the emotional stress you’re going through. If you are a badass like me, you might just say “f*ck it” or “whatever” and move on.
You need to let go of your relationship and start to live your new life. There’s no benefit to holding on to those dear memories of your ex. Even if you want him back, you need to take some time off and decide if it is worth your time and effort to be with your ex again.
Let go of your ex now, and decide later whether it’s worth your time to pursue his romance again when you’re ready.
Moving On From Your Breakup Is Possible
Well, if you’ve made it to the end of the article. Thank you so much for reading it through. I hope you’ve found some advice helpful, and I strongly encourage you to try the easy ones right away (today!).
I know it’s hard to stop thinking about your breakup and your ex. It’s all you can think about. And that is precisely the problem – you have all these thoughts bottled up inside of you.
Therefore, the very first step is to release your thoughts and emotions. Cry it out, talk to someone about your feelings, and write your thoughts down in a journal. Just pour all that internal sadness out of your system.
Trust me, once you’ve released all the emotional pain, a lot of that stress will be lifted off your shoulders. You’ll feel relieved, lighter, and motivated to start over. You’ll feel better about your breakup and come to a closure that you can accept.
The longer you dwell on your sob story, the longer you stay at rock bottom. Also, don’t think your pity party is going to last forever. Even if you have great supportive friends, they don’t deserve to put up with your emotional mess for a long period of time.
So what’s it going to be? Are you going to keeping sobbing away, or make an effort to move on and live your life?
The choice is yours.
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