Definitive Guide: The 30 Day No Contact Rule To Get Him Back
I have bad news for you ladies. When it comes to relationship reconciliations, more often than not, you are your own worst enemies. Which is why using the No Contact Rule to get him ex back may be your only hope.
Here’s the thing: when a breakup goes down, even the most confident women have the potential of spiraling out, particularly if they were the dumpee rather than the dumper.
There is something engrained in our psyches that kicks desperation into high gear when a relationship ends that we weren’t ready to say goodbye to. And that desperation leads us to do stupid things… I like to call it Redemption Desperation.
It is what makes using the No Contact Rule so essential. If this is going to work, you have to first remove yourself from the situation.
You’ll see how important silence is after a breakup in this article. I can't stress it enough especially if you are your goal is to get your man back.
You gotta ignore the guy to get the guy.
If you can’t fight Redemption Desperation on your own, the Text Your Ex Back Program is a great guide to help you go through this period.
It was tough for me too. I will never forget the first time I succumbed to Redemption Desperation myself. It was a guy I wasn’t even all that into, but when he dumped me? Suddenly I needed him back. My pride depended on it. Ironically, it was that pride I sacrificed when I pushed way too hard for another chance. I didn’t get that chance, but I did learn a valuable lesson: implementing no contact to get him back.
So I am going to need all you ladies out there to take a deep breath and put your big girl panties on – because if you truly want your former flame back, you are going to have to chuck the Redemption Desperation and embrace the No Contact Rule after a breakup.
Will no contact bring him back? Well, it’s part of the equation for sure. And it is also a necessary component of finding yourself in this breakup.
But we’ll get to that.
Wait… What Is The No Contact Rule?
Using the No Contact Rule to get your ex back means just that – no contact. You don’t pick up the phone to text your ex, or tentatively make plans to meet up for lunch. You don’t show up at this guy’s favorite coffee spot or bang down his door for a late night bootie call. You don’t contact your ex boyfriend. Period. And if he contacts you?
Well, you play that cool too.
The idea behind the No Contact Rule (NC Rule) is that you want to cut off all communication, meetings or relationships with your ex for a period of time. You want to create some space for each other so to allow recovery from the ugly fights before you attempt another chance at being together again.
For now, let go of anything that is related to your ex boyfriend. Give him a chance to erase any bad feelings he has about you. Let the bad memories fade away so he can re-imagine the good old times.
Don’t worry, the No Contact Rule isn’t meant to be forever or till your ex reaches out to you. You’re just cutting him off for about 30 days (more on that later) in which you can you go on the offense to get him back.
Trust me, your silence will sure make a man miss you.
Look, in most cases you don’t want to be flat-out ignoring your ex if he is picking up the phone and dialing your number, but you also don’t want to cave every time he decides he might just miss you either. Because the problem with giving in to his wishy-washy behavior is that you reinforce for this man you used date the fact that you will always be there. And if he thinks that, your ex has no reason to want you back – after all, he can change his mind at any time.
You are better than that, I promise. And you deserve to have your former flame pining away at your feet, not keeping you on a leash as just another option.
You have to stick to it even if he seems to be regretting the breakup himself. The good news is – his regret means the No Contact Rule is working, but it doesn’t mean your work is done.
So avoid seeing him face to face at all costs during the no contact phase. If your ex seems anxious to see you in person, put him off.
You have plans.
Work is crazy.
School is out of control.
You're actually planning an impromptu trip with friends - sorry!
I don’t care what your excuse is, just so long as you have one. Because he is not in control here, you are. And the sooner you both recognize that, the better your chances of getting him back are.
Now some of you might be worried that your ex might hold a grudge or be impatient and move on. If so, ask yourself this question, why would your ex hold a grudge over something so trivial?
The more time you give him to reflect, the more he’ll start to think your breakup was over something stupid and that something beautiful was lost.
The No Contact Rule works. But you have to commit to it fully.
If you were needy, desperate and the one dumped, then you need to start the NC Rule right away. Cause the last thing your ex wants is a desperate message from you.
Why Use No Contact - Is It Effective?
I’m a big advocate of the No Contact Rule because I now it works if it is implemented the right way. To fully appreciate why this method works, you need to understand what’s really going on when you go into no contact and the psychology behind this proven method.
There are two things in play here.
1. You’re making your ex miss you
2. You’re giving yourself time to heal and recover
1. Give Your Ex Boyfriend A Chance To Miss You
I’m really putting this in a nice way by saying that you are giving him a chance to miss you. But what’s going through your ex boyfriend’s mind during this period is chaos, anger, and regret.
Underneath all that anger from the breakup, there’s still love for you girl. You just need to give him time to settle the anger and find that love he has for you again.
Once that happens, he’ll start to realize what he’s lost and start contacting you again.
Trust me, your ex is taking the breakup harder than you. He just lost a big part of his life and it’s extremely difficult to let go of the relationship in a short period of time. The longer you two dated, the longer it is going to take him to move on.
So if your ex boyfriend is being ignored, it triggers an alert system in his mind to find out what’s going on.
And the longer you’ve gone missing, the more longing he has for you. You want him to react to your absence but at the same time ignore him to a point where he’s learned a lesson that he’s temporarily lost his privilege to contact you.
In short, guys want what they can’t have. So play a little hard to get (like your first date), and he will appreciate you more.
Block him now if you want to get him back.
2. Recover and Find Yourself
Breakups are a blessing in disguise. Your breakup happened for a reason, and it’s time to figure out what really went wrong during the no contact period.
Who’s to blame for the breakup?
Was it you or him?
Did one of you change?
Did you forget to appreciate one another?
Did you expect/demand too much from him?
These are just a few questions to ask while you reflect on your relationship and breakup.
Let’s face it, after your relationship ended, you have zero control over your ex. What he’s doing, thinking, and feeling is totally out of your control.
And the more you try to think you can influence his behaviors, the more desperate and frustrated you’ll become.
So honestly, don’t let that drive you crazy.
Instead, focus on what you have 100% control of - You.
That's right, during the no contact period, you want to give yourself a chance to detox from the relationship and what life is like without your ex boyfriend.
Just take a step back and try to get some perspective on yourself and the relationship. It’s time to reflect on EVERYTHING. You, your relationship, and your future.
Take the time to focus on you and what you really want in life. You owe it to yourself to take a breather from relationships and enjoy the freedom to be independent.
You need to find that confidence you once owned. It’s there, but you just need to dig deep and let yourself shine again.
And once you’ve got your spark back, getting your ex boyfriend back might just be a walk in the park.
I Don’t Understand. Doesn’t He Need to See Me to Want Me Back?
Listen ladies, I’ve been there. And I get how counterintuitive this advice may seem. You want to see your ex. You miss him and truly believe time around you will make him miss you too. But I need you to wake up and realize it doesn’t work like that.
When a relationship ends, there is a push-pull dynamic that is automatically created in its wake. The more pushing you do, the more pulling away your old love will do in return. So no, seeing you is not the way to get back into your ex-boyfriend’s heart. But getting on the winning side of that push-pull dynamic is.
If you just step back and do your own thing, proving that you don’t actually need him and that you will be just fine if he decides to stay away – well, then the power miraculously winds up back in your court. The beauty is that in faking it to make it, you begin to remember just how worthy you are. And as your confidence grows and that distances increases – he starts to panic about what he may have thrown away.
Men need to be needed. They are cookie-cutter providers in that way. So the No Contact Rule taps into something primal for them.
If you aren’t caving to the Redemption Desperation, perhaps they weren’t as big a component of your life as they thought they were? Maybe you didn’t need them after all? And then what? Did you ever even care in the first place?
Guess what? You just ignited the Redemption Desperation within your ex. Because if you never needed him and could just so easily move on – well, now he has to get you back to prove his own worth in your life.
Game. Set. Match.
So If I Leave Him Alone, Will He Come Back?
Again, the purpose of give each other space is so that both of you can recover from the breakup and see the relationship from a bigger perspective.
It’s not definite that your ex will come back. But for sure, he will start to miss you once he realizes how important you are to his life.
Your job right now is to transform the woman he wants to have in his life.
Fine, I’ll Try The No Contact Rule. How Long is This Supposed to Last?
There are a few schools of thought on this, but how long to go no contact has a lot to do with how messy your breakup was.
Here are 3 time frames that I recommend. Remember, you need to choose the right one depending on your situation.
The 21 Day No Contact Rule
Ladies, don’t get too excited yet and choose this time frame right away. It may not be right for your situation and instead make things worse if your breakup was nasty.
If you come off as needy and desperate, 21 Days is not for you!
This time frame is for those that are getting a few good signals from their ex. The vibe is there, and you are ready to jump back in the relationship.
There’s no reason to ignore your ex if he’s genuinely reaching out to you again. Give him a chance to show you he’s also ready to get back together.
30 Days Of No Contact Is Ideal For Most People
If you avoided falling apart and managed to keep your cool when he ended things, the 30 Day No Contact Rule may be enough to affect the change of heart you are looking for. It is just enough distance to allow your ex boyfriend to start missing you and to give you the opportunity to rediscover all you have to offer.
But you have to stick to it diligently. Thirty Days. No Contact. Go!
60 Days Of No Contact For Serious Breakups
Now, if the breakup was a bit more complicated, or if you have succumbed to a few drunken texts or calls along the way since – you need to commit to the 60 Day No Contact Rule. You basically have to allow for more time to erase the damage done by your Redemption Desperation.
Two months may seem like forever, but this is truly the time period necessary to reset that push-pull dynamic and to give you a leg up in winning your ex back. You have to give your former flame some distance from the behavior that caused him to end things in the first place.
After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in 60 days – you can do a whole lot of work on yourself as well.
Which might just be the most important aspect of the No Contact Rule.
Don’t Go Past 60 Days
60 Days is the longest time frame I would recommend. Longer than that, you run the risk of being out of the picture for too long. He may be completely over you and move on to something that makes him happy.
There’s actually no reason to stretch the time frame to 60 Days if you are following the No Contact Rule diligently. Again, the goal is to recover and reinvent yourself in time to prove to your ex that you can make things better.
You need to strike while you’re still on his mind.
What If We Work Together?
Of course, sometimes there are occasions where you can’t completely avoid interaction. Maybe you are taking a class together or are co-workers in the same building. When contact is unavoidable, you don’t want to be running away from your ex every time you spy each other in the hall. But don’t run into his arms either.
Keep it professional. Calm, cool and collected. If you must see each other, at least maintain some emotional distance. The whole point of the no contact rule is to prove to him and yourself that you don’t need him.
No matter how strong that Redemption Desperation may be trying to convince you otherwise.
Let him initiate all the conversations and keep your answers short and sweet. At least it gives him a hint that you are not a cold person and you still want to make things right.
Here are a few other scenarios that when it’s appropriate to break no contact.
If There Are Children Involved
If there’s children between you and your ex, it’s inevitable that you will have to talk to him. In fact, it’s in your kid’s best interest for you two to discuss your kid’s growth and behavior. Keep the conversations about your kids and do your best to keep your composure at all times.
If You Live Together
Okay, if you have broken up with your ex boyfriend, the best thing for you to do is give each other space. So if you’re living together, one of you has to move out. Maybe he’ll be a gentleman and crash at his buddy’s place, but someone has to go.
You can’t go through the no contact period effectively if you see your ex every day. Trust me, you’ll just end up in another fight over something trivial.
You Accidentally Run Into Each Other
If you bump into your ex on the streets or at a mutual friend’s party, just keep your greetings short and sweet. Perhaps he’s with someone which might bother you a little bit.
If you do see him with someone else, play it cool like there’s nothing you got to worry about. For sure, your ex will start to wonder why you didn’t flip out or let your emotions get the best of you.
Break No Contact If He Wants You Back
I thought this would be a little obvious but I get emails from readers asking me whether they should keep playing hard to get when their ex is genuinely asking to get the together.
The answer: YES. Break No Contact and give him a chance to win you back.
If you’re not sure what to say to him when he reaches out, make sure to read this post about things to say to your ex boyfriend.
Or if he texts you, I’ve also some great text messages you can you use in this post.
But just a word of caution, don’t jump on the first text message you get from him that says “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let you go.” Make sure it’s a series of messages, hints, and signs that he's not over you.
Think back to your first date and how romantic he was. That’s his benchmark to start off.
What If My Ex Contacts Me?
Don’t be rude and ignore his calls or texts unless it’s an inappropriate text from you. Just reply with a short and sweet message and let him know that you have something to attend to.
You still want to maintain a good vibe with your ex. But it takes some practice and discipline to make your engagement short.
But if your ex starts to contact you more frequently, let him know that you have a busy schedule and you won’t be able to be talk.
Hopefully, he’ll understand that he needs to give you some space.
Fighting Redemption Desperation - What To Do During No Contact
Avoiding the urge to call isn’t easy, I’m going to give you that. Redemption Desperation can be a powerful force, and when you are sitting alone late at night contemplating all the things you wish you had said or done – that desire to redeem yourself can become overpowering.
Particularly if you have had a few drinks.
So start by limiting the alcohol during your period of no contact with your ex boyfriend. You need a clear head to remain strong.
Of course, there is more than just alcohol that can inhibit your strength. Hours spent stalking your former boyfriends Facebook page or sifting through old photos of the two of you will hurt you every time. Anything that reminds you of your ex is a potential trigger for Redemption Desperation, so don’t give into those urges.
Tuck the photos away, avoid the computer if you must and make a concerted effort to remove reminders of your ex from your life during this period of self reflection.
You will need that separation to focus on the truly important self-work you should be doing during this stage.
Does the no contact rule work? Absolutely! But no contact is only half the battle. The rest is about taking care of you while that distance is being enforced.
It may sound cliché, but now is the time to rediscover that girl your ex fell for in the first place. The one who was vibrant and exciting; the girl who had so much to offer. How long have you been in this relationship? And how much of yourself have you let go of in the process of trying to hold on to him?
No more! Take this time to find that girl you were before this man entered and exited your life. Because you know what? You are pretty awesome!
Think of this period as dating yourself. Give yourself a pamper and do things for yourself that you would expect from someone special. Treat yourself like you’ve always dreamed of.
Pursue some passions you haven’t had time for in a while. Train for that half marathon you have always talked about wanting to run. Sign up for that art class you have always wanted to take. Join a co-ed softball team or start a book club or plan an epic trip with your girl friends.
Create a No Contact Bucket List!
It doesn’t matter what you are doing, just so long as you are doing something you wouldn’t necessarily have done while you were with the man from your past.
Make some positive changes in you, endeavoring to be a healthier and happier version of yourself. Embrace this brief period of freedom. The more you focus on you, the easier the Redemption Desperation will be to avoid and the greater the likelihood that your ex will be begging for another chance by the time this is all said and done.
After all, the best revenge is living a good life.
If you really want your ex back, you have to nurture that girl you once were first; remembering to never throw her to the wayside again.
Keep A Journal
While you are keeping yourself busy and making the most out of your freedom, those anger and emotions are still bottled up inside you.
How do you let go of these feelings when you’ve cried your way through your friends and family and no one is there to listen to you?
Easy. Keep a No Contact Journal.
Instead of sitting around, counting your days, and thinking about how your ex wronged you, why now write down how you feel in a journal? Just get it all out of your system by writing everything down.
What are you angry about?
What do you want to tell him?
How much do you still love him?
What went wrong?
What do I need to do to not let this happen again?
Get it all out in your journal. You won’t have the urge to contact him.
Now, in addition to writing away all your negative feelings, why not add a few notes to yourself to reflect positive feelings? By doing this, you will feel much better about who you really are and truly discover what you really want.
Somewhere along the way, you’ll also assess the idea whether getting back with your ex is a good idea or not.
TIP: Write a letter to yourself about how amazing and beautiful you are. Whenever you feel like caving in to call or text your ex something, look at the letter to help you remind yourself that you are better than that.
The ONE Thing You Shouldn’t Do If You Want Him Back
Now I know this is going to take a lot of resistance and discipline. But the one thing you definitely need to avoid during the No Contact period is obsessing over your ex.
I know you got a few sneaky tricks to check up on him. And I understand you still care about him or you are worried that he’s over you.
Whatever excuse you have in your mind to check up on your ex, just stop and tell yourself you’re better than this.
I get it, you’re still addicted over your ex. But if you are checking every update he puts on his Facebook page, then eventually you’re just be driving yourself crazy. Do you think your ex wants to be with someone who’s needy and desperate?
No, he wants someone who’s confident and will make him a better person.
Do yourself a favor and go cold turkey for a month with any connections to your ex. Even if you think he’s on a rebound relationship, just ignore everything until you are ready to contact him.
Oh No! I Broke the No Contact Rule!
You thought you were doing so well. Two weeks in, no contact and going strong. But then, you had a girl’s night out. And perhaps one too many shots. You convinced yourself that just one text couldn’t hurt. I mean, you care about him, and you just wanted to see how he was doing.
Totally normal, right? One text can’t possibly hurt.
Except, it does. Remember that push-pull dynamic we already talked about? Well, breaking the silence puts you on the wrong end of that dynamic and gives the power back to your ex. It puts you right back at square one. Which means, unfortunately, you have to start over from scratch.
Day one of the No Contact Rule.
Look, nobody wants to hear that they threw all that progress in the garbage, but in this case – you threw all that progress in the garbage. By making contact, you reminded your ex that you are still around, still missing him and still available if he changes his mind. You didn’t even give him the chance to start missing you in return. You basically started a diet, and then decided to give up and binge on a box of donuts only halfway to your goal.
The good news is, you haven’t completely blown your chances. The bad news is, you have to suck it up and accept the consequences of your error. So stand up, dust your ass off and start over.
You can do it. Just remember – this is you time. Push him to the background and focus on you from start to finish. Your ex boyfriend will still be there when the no contact period is over, and if you’ve done everything right – he will be dying to see you.
Why Is The No Contact Rule So Difficult?
Following the No Contact Rule is no easy task. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things you will have to go through in your life! But if you persevere, the rewards are amazing once you come out the other side.
So why is the No Contact Rule so difficult and why do so many people fail?
Simple. You just lost someone very special to you who has been a big part of your life.
Basically, that lost means your life has just been flipped upside down and you are trying to figure out how to get back being independent. Just think about how often your ex boyfriend is part of your life.
You usually see your ex first thing in the morning.
Your ex used to make dinner plans or activities.
You usually hang out with your ex’s friends.
Your ex is the one that always calls to check up on you.
Most of the time, you check your phone to see if your ex has texted or called.
Your ex is always one call away.
See, your ex boyfriend has been a huge part of your lifestyle that your habits are embedded in his presence. You are used to having him around like two peas in a pod. It was always Team Jason and Donna, but now it’s just Team Donna.
And when you’re single, you’re start noticing how much impact your ex has on your life. That’s why you start to find things harder to do and become desperate for your ex your come back.
Cause you miss him and want things to go back the way they were.
So yes, it is VERY difficult to go through the No Contact Rule without breaking it. Now you understand why, it’s up to you to take on the challenge and prove to yourself that you can be independent and take care of yourself.
Your habits, your routines, and how you see yourself, you need to start over and define them again.
7 Quick Tips To Get You On The Right Track
You’ve made it this far. Congrats!
And for sure you might be overwhelmed with the No Contact Rule and how it can transform your life.
On the surface, it is a really simple concept. Just forget about your ex boyfriend for a period of time.
But in reality, there are a lot of dynamics going on underneath. Therefore, to put you on the right path to make it through 30 days, I have list 4 effective tips below to help you stay committed.
1. Avoid Making More Mistakes
Whats done is already done. Apologies are said and it’s time to temporarily move on. There’s no need to keep trying to fix things when the breakup is official.
Don’t try to contact your ex and tell him explain what went wrong and how you can fix it.
Time is your best friend here and it’s best just to let bygones be bygones for now.
Trust me, you’ll have time to laugh off your old mistakes once you and your former flame are on good terms.
2. Your Ex Needs Some Space Too
Look, your ex boyfriend is hurting too. Even if he’s the one that initiated the breakup, it was not an easy decision.
He also lost a big part of his life and needs some time to readjust. Right now he’s emotionally unavailable and the last thing he needs is more emotional talk from you.
He may be enjoying the freedom. But trust me, his life is also upside down with a big emotional empty space.
3. Try To Figure Out What Went Wrong
This is probably one of the most important things to do during No Contact. Find out what went wrong in the relationship.
Was it you or him?
Was someone needy, desperate, or nagging?
Did you want to control his life?
Did he miss his freedom?
Was the relationship missing something?
Is the spark and affection for one another gone?
Start asking yourself these questions and write them in your journal. The more you dig deep and be honest with yourself, the faster you will find a recovery path.
Don’t worry, the journal is only for you to read. So don’t be afraid to write the truth. If the fault falls on you, at least you know what is it and have full control to fix it.
Your goal is not to make the same mistakes again.
4. Come Up With A Game Plan From No Contact To Getting Him Back
What is your plan to make the most out of the next 30 days? Don’t just try to stay busy and do things that don’t contribute to improving yourself. Add a few activities that will add new perspective and growth to your life.
Remember, the breakup is a blessing in disguise. You lost your self-esteem from being too comfortable in a relationship. Now that you’re single again, it’s time to clean up your act and regain your self-esteem.
You’re single and free. Let yourself go and do things that make you happy.
Live your life.
Once you are 21 Days in, try to come up with a plan to break your silence with your ex. Try to visualize how the engagement will go so you can be in full control once it really happens.
It’s a big day, so be well prepared to play things cool.
Knowing When and How to Ease Back In
Just so that we are clear, under no circumstances should you cut the no contact period short. But if you have remained committed to your original goal, the time will come for breaking the no contact rule.
But how do you do that and still maintain the ground you have gained?
Your best bet is always going to be an orchestrated run-in. This allows you to still come off as easy breezy about your split, while keeping the cards in your hands. So rather than picking up the phone as soon as your no contact period is over, take some time to plan something a little more covert.
Maybe there is a party being thrown by a mutual friend in just a few weeks, or an event coming up that you have both attended in the past. If you already have a perfectly scheduled opening on the books, extend your no contact period out just a bit longer and let that social outing be your first face to face.
If nothing is coming up that would serve as a perfect run-in event, however, then orchestrate your own. Now you can start frequenting your former flame's favorite coffee shop, bar or bookstore. You might even want to check his social network profiles now to see if you can get an idea of where your ex will be in the coming weeks.
But whatever you do, make that run-in seem totally coincidental.
And, of course, remember all the amazing things you have discovered about yourself in this period of no contact. Because it wasn’t just about separating yourself from him, it was also about reconnecting with the incredible girl that you are. The kind of girl no man should be able to resist.
Be strong. Be confident. Be stunning.
The poor guy won’t even know what hit him.
Again, if you need some step-by-step guidance, the Text Your Ex Back program is an easy system to help you stay on track.