Updated: October, 2019
One of the questions I get asked a lot from our readers and through my coaching program is this:
Does the No Contact Rule work on men?
It seems like the minute I talk about the No Contact Rule, people already know the concept but wonder if it actually works. They read about it online (on almost every dating blog) and hear some form of it through their friends and family.
“Just stay away from that douchebag. You’re better off without him.It almost seems like the No Contact Rule is the golden rule for breakups and making up later. Like it’s the ABCs where B goes after the letter A.
So you break up, and the next step must be the No Contact Rule.
Ignore him, don’t talk to your ex. There’s no way around it.But does No Contact work? Is it effective to get your ex-boyfriend back?
The short answer: yes.
But there’s a caveat: you need to engage the No Contact Rule the right way. Which means you need to be active throughout this period and be present in the entire process.
How Does The No Contact Rule Work To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Just sitting around for 30 days and counting down will do no good at all sweetheart. I’ve tried that during my first breakup and couldn’t last three days till I called up my ex and begged for a second chance. That didn’t end up too well.
If you want the No Contact Rule to work in your favor, which is your ex coming to you and asking for a second chance, then I highly recommend you read my version of the No Contact Rule.
You’ll finally understand why I believe the No Contact Rule is so effective and works every time.
In short, the purpose of going radio silence for some time (usually 30 days) is to let the bad past fade away. The fights, frustration, and the breakup, you need to allow all these negative energy and toxins to disappear from your mind.
Think of it as a relationship detox. Just let the grudges and anger air out and give yourself some time to rest and reset your life.So during this period, your best friends are really these two things.
Time and Freedom.
Time will help you heal your wounds and reflect on what really matters to you.
Freedom will allow you to explore what’s important to you.I know it’s hard to keep your mind off your ex and go about your life without your mind wandering off wondering what he’s up to.
Trust me, it wasn’t easy for me to do either. I failed many times in my experience, each time becoming more desperate than ever to find a shortcut to swoosh my ex back.
It takes a lot of self-discipline and guidance to complete the No Contact Rule effectively. From my coaching experience, it’s best to have someone closely monitoring your status and keeping tab of your changes.
But be selfish for once and just focus on you. Let time do its magic and pull you two back together. And guess what? While you’re out of the picture, you are also restoring the balance of a relationship: a guy chases a girl so that he worships you like a queen.
Isn’t that what love is?
So if you want to get back together and have a stronger relationship than before, suck it up and live the No Contact Rule.
I promise you that time flies by if you do it my way. This is the only way. Don’t waste your time trying to find another shortcut because your desperate mind is telling you that there’s no time left because you see your ex liking some other girl’s photo on social media.
Please, just relax girl.
I know you have doubts and fears that your ex might quickly run off with another girl. That’s called a fling or rebound relationship.
But it’s usually just a coping mechanism to a breakup, and I really wouldn’t worry about it. And if I was slightly concerned, there’s not much there’s to do without looking desperate and weak.
So let it go for now. Trust me.
In my coaching experience, I’ve been able to detect a rebound relationship when I see one. Some of my clients would freak out and cry it’s over, but once they work through the No Contact Rule with me, they learned some techniques that would help them creatively edge into the rebound relationship and get their ex’s instant attention.
And once and for all, I’m writing this post to clarify that the No Contact Rule works on men if your wish is to get him back for good.
My goal is to convince you that there is nothing to worry about especially if your breakup is fresh. Just understand that this distance and silence is working in your favor.
So let’s get started with the reasons why the No Contact Rule is so effective on ex-boyfriends.
I’ve listed eight reasons in case someone needs more convincing on why the No Contact rule works. But you should only need just one reason to get started and believe that this is the best recovery process.
It’s not like you really have another choice.
Make sure to read down to Reason number 8. Everything boils down to this reason why the No Contact Rule will always work for you.
8 Reasons Why The No Contact Rule Works On Men
1. Radio Silence Makes Him Wonder
I stumbled on this idea when I was going through the NC Rule with one of my exes during my college days. He reached out to me around Day 20 and asked me how I was doing.I was going 20 days strong without me, and suddenly my ex hits me up like he’s trying to break my streak.
I couldn’t let him break me, but at the same time, I didn’t want to be that rude and hang up the phone. I was already in a place where I’ve gained back my self-esteem and had the confidence to talk to him without any shivering in my voice.After we chatted, something big hit me.
My ex-boyfriend is curious about me. He’s starting to miss me! Not only that, he’s asking about my whereabouts from our friends and checking Facebook about my life (I found out that later by a little detective work).
Once you go cold turkey on your ex, he’ll start to wonder what you’re up to. He’ll stalk you on Facebook and Instagram. He’ll ask around in your social circle to see how you’re doing or let his ego get in the way and pretend nothing happened. Either way, he’s curious about how you’re doing.If you meant something to him, he’s sure to still care about you, whether he shows it or not.
Think about it, he just lost someone that’s been a big part of his life for many years. Do you think it’s that hard to forget and give it up?
Men are loyal. And your relationship and love to him was once loyalty. If you can picture love as loyalty, then you could understand what the breakup means to your ex when he feels betrayed and lost.
That sort of loyalty isn’t easily forgotten and thrown right out of the window.
The longer your relationship was, the more likely your ex will try to work things out. The longer you ignore your ex-boyfriend, the more “pull” you have on your ex-boyfriend.
2. No Contact Helps Break Your Love Addiction
I came across this phenomenon during my research on relationships and dating. I wanted to understand why breakups are so hard, and if there’s a reasonable explanation, I can provide to my readers and coaching clients.
It turns out there is actual scientific research that explains how your brain reacts after a breakup.
I won’t go into details about explaining the science behind love and breakups, but here are two main findings from it.
1. The same areas in your brain are activated when you feel emotional pain and physical pain. This is why breakups hurt so much because you are feeling actual pain which can put a lot of stress on your body that can lead to acne, loss of appetite, and sore muscles.
So when you’re thinking about your breakup and how it hurts, the same part of your brain that feels physical pain lights up.
2. Believe it or not, a breakup is like getting over an addiction. Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher conducted a study and found that the same area in your brain, dopamine, is involved in both drug addiction and early stages of love when you’re madly obsessed with your partner. So it turns out that love is really like a drug. When you are going through a breakup, you are experiencing the same feeling an addict is going through a cocaine withdrawal.
The obsession (or addiction) to love, the cravings to be in someone’s arms, that’s all activating the same part of your brain associated with cocaine addiction. Crazy right?
Just imagine how hard it is to kick an addiction. Relationship-wise, this proves that it’s not easy for a relationship to just go away at the snap of a finger or calling it quits.
This research legitimately explains a lot about what you and your ex is going through during a breakup. Your obsessive and desperate behavior kicks in because your brain keeps conjuring up memories of your ex and reactivates your emotional pain.
The more you resist, the more you’re tempted to do something stupid and regret it afterward.
This is why it’s so easy for people to break the No Contact Rule because their brain is craving for love.
Bottom line, your ex can’t get you out of his head that easily. His mind will constantly bring up memories of you to satisfy his cravings for affection. No matter how hard he tries, it takes time and discipline to break the thought of losing you.
3. You Give Him Time To Think About Who He Really Wants In His Life
Most of us take things for granted and never appreciate the people and things they do for us until it is gone. Sometimes we are just too slow (or too busy) to live in the present and be thankful to those around us that make our lives better.
Most of the time, it’s not until we lose that someone that we start to understand how important that person is to our lives.
Then we start to live with regrets.Now I want you to try to see the breakup as a good thing here for a second. The fact that you two are separated will allow your ex to contemplate his life and honestly evaluate who is important to him.You are important to him.
There’s no need to remind your ex-boyfriend of what you’ve done for him and how much you’ve sacrificed to make him happy. Once the wheels in his mind start to recap those good old days, regrets of leaving you will start to kick in.
Give your ex some time to think about what he really wants in his life and who will be there for him when he needs it the most.
He’s emotionally unavailable for the time being.When he figures that out, all those petty fights and disagreements will just be nothing more than small speed bumps in your relationship.So give him some time to contemplate.
4. It Makes Him Jealous
As I mentioned in Point 1, your former flame will start to wonder what you’re up to. And most likely, he’s hoping that you’re just as miserable as you.
He’s hoping to move on before you do.
But what if you seem okay and have moved on? What if you’re past the breakup, focusing on your work and life, and looking all sassy on Friday nights?
It would make your ex jealous.
So if you stay away from your ex-boyfriend during the No Contact period and focus on your priorities, this would be the most powerful thing you can do to get your ex’s attention without even trying.
In other words, if you can live in your own bubble for 30 days and focus on yourself, you will naturally make your ex jealous simply because he sees that you’re moving on.
And the more normal you look, the more your ex will become a paparazzi who’s curious about your whereabouts.
Perhaps, your ex might start to think he was an anchor that’s preventing you from living up to your potential.
So again, focus on your life and things that matter to you.
I’ll let you in one a little secret: men are drawn to success.
So if he starts to see you having success without him, it will arouse his curiosity to see what you have going on in your life without him.
This is one of the most effective and easiest methods to get your ex-boyfriend crawling back to you. It’s one of the top techniques I advise my coaching clients to try.Just be selfish and show your man that you’re more than what meets the eye.
5. He Doesn’t Feel Needed or Appreciated By Someone
Okay, this one is for those that feel like their breakup was caused by being too clingy.
It’s not entirely your fault. You just went a little overboard that can be controlled.
The truth is, guys are clingy too. Just in a different way than us where we become more emotionally dependent.
For men, they need emotional support by their side too. Once you’re out of the picture, your ex has no one by his side day in and day out to be his personal cheerleader.
No one to smile at him first thing in the morning.
No one to laugh at his jokes.No one to ask him how he’s doing.
Even worse, no one to ask for his help or advice.
Imagine what that does to his confidence level?
It sinks really quick!
Girl, don’t think that your ex-boyfriend is all smiles and relieved once he’s broken up with you. Even though that’s what he wants, his life is flipped upside down simply because he’s lost you. And when you’re not there anymore to smile and laugh at his jokes or make sure he’s got his shirt pressed for a big day at work, guess how that will affect his life? He’ll feel lost for some time before he realizes he needs you by his side.
Believe me, guys really need that subconscious support to boost their confidence and prep for the day’s work.It keeps their ego intact.
But here’s the part where he’s really going to feel useless. When your ex-boyfriend is alone, he doesn’t feel needed or appreciated by someone anymore. There’s no one to ask him for help and no one to listen and ask for his opinions.
“Honey, can you pick up some milk after work today?”
“What do you think of this pink dress?”
“Do you think it’s a good idea if we bring …”
In the relationship, he was “the man.” But now that he’s out of one, he needs to go out and fish for support and respect.
Sooner or later, your ex is going to start to realize that you are the only person that “gets” him. That’s when things start to click, and his mind is turning to recognize that you are one-of-a-kind and he needs in his life to excel and feel like two peas in a pod.
Just wait, let time work its magic.
6. He Loses Someone He’s Comfortable With
This is closely related to the point above. But before I explain this point, I want to point out that being too comfortable with each other could be a reason for your breakup.
In fact, this is probably one of the reasons that kill relationships.Wait, what?
Let me explain.
When you get too comfortable with your ex, you’re both too dependent on each other that it starts to become a burden on the other person. It causes an imbalance in the relationship and puts stress on the other person both emotionally and physically.
So if you’re the clingy type, you know for a fact that you pushed your ex to a point where he can’t support your needs while keeping his sanity. He feels trapped in your version of a relationship.
For example, you got too comfortable with your ex-boyfriend tidying up the house that you start to nag when he misses a spot. Or you become too comfortable with your ex picking up after you, but now he is exhausted to keep up while feeling unappreciated.
This probably sounds like how you’re feeling, but for sure your ex-boyfriends feels the same way in other areas of responsibilities.
In this case, your ex feels more used than being an equal partner.
So the quick tip here is to make sure you always have a balance of comfort in your relationship and never take each other’s actions for granted.
Okay, let’s rewind back to your ex losing someone he’s comfortable with.
We all want someone we can lean on and be comfortable to talk and share our thoughts with every day. When you don’t have someone there to talk to on a daily basis, you start to feel lonely and empty.
You are someone who your ex once was comfortable opening up to. You still are. It’s just blocked by all the mess and breakup which takes time to clear it up.
It’s hard to gain trust and be truly comfortable with someone. So losing you is not the ultimate intention between you and your ex. Once you’re able to show him that you can fix the mess and avoid being “too comfortable,” both of you can see the real bond between the two of you.
7. Scarcity Creates Value
Do you remember when the first time your ex was head over heels over you? How badly he wanted you?
Well, that feeling is still there. It’s just lost in both of your heads, buried under all the sh*t we have to deal with every day.
But let’s not forget, you are one in a million. You know it, he knows it.
This is the reason why he chose to be with you in the first place.
“I have never seen someone so pure and down to earth before.”
“I just can’t get over the way you smile at me.”
“I’ve never felt this happy before.”
It’s crazy how these expressions just disappear as your relationship grows, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Life gets in the way, and the spark eventually fades away.
It’s only those couples that make it a habit to reignite the spark that can keep their love and relationship strong.
But that’s another lesson for another day.
Now that you’re separated, you’re both back on the market. While it’s a good thing for both of you to get some fresh air from a relationship, keep in mind that it’s exhausting to find someone like you.
Trust me, you’re still the type of girl he’s looking for, but he just doesn’t want the current you.
Try this: take a look at the mirror and ask yourself, “would you date this?”
So while he’s hunting, what do you do? Get back to your old self and remind him there’s only one of you out there.
Nobody will understand your ex and be there for him like you will. Deep down he knows it but is too stubborn to admit it.
In fact, you probably know him better than he knows himself. So imagine trying to find another “you” and going through multiple dates, parties, and possibly new friends to land a new girl who gets him.
It’s gonna take a lot of time and effort before he finds someone who can truly replace you. And who better to swoop in and rescue him after 30 days of absence?
The new you!
So what you should be worried about is answering these two questions below.“How do I get back to my old self? The one he fell in love with?
With all the time and freedom you have now, you should be working towards this goal. Don’t try to mastermind a plot to bump into your ex or take shortcuts to get him to sleep with you. Save those tactics for later once you have the full arsenal and looking like a million bucks.
Even if you don’t plan on getting back together, you need to get back on your feet so you can move on with the breakup and find closure.You still got a great future ahead of you regardless if he is in the picture or not.
But once your ex sees your glowing beauty and success, he’ll be dying to get a second chance to speak with you. Just imagine running into your ex-boyfriend, and he sees that smile he once fell in love with. He might be smart not to show his amazement, but all those emotions and memories will start to rush back in his mind.
Let’s hope he has some new moves to get your attention.
Trust me, your smile will trigger a lot of things. A. LOT. Your ex-boyfriend will remember what a catch you are and all those first date nerves will start to rise and make him shiver. Deep down, he knows that you’re the only one that understands him and what he’s going through.
That’s value to him that he cannot afford to give it.
8. Remove The Attention
So does the No Contact Rule work to get him back?
Yes. If you do it the right way.
Still unsure about the No Contact Rule? Read my version of this golden rule to give yourself the best chance to get your ex-boyfriend back.
All the points mentioned above lead to this last point.
You must remove the attention.
I cannot stress this enough girl. It is more powerful than you can imagine. In fact, if you are thinking about your ex, you are giving him power over your self-control.
Therefore, you must remove him from your life for a period of time. It’s really what’s best for both of you right now. And again, time is working in your favor.
So take this moment to honestly evaluate how important you are to each other and what being together means to you.
Whether it’s a simple text or your ex coming to your front door, you need to set boundaries that you’re not ready to talk yet. No matter how bad you want to get back together, the easier you make it for your ex to get your attention, the more you are a pushover to him.
He’ll know that he can get to you any time.
So play hard. The longer you make him wait, the more worthy you are to him. Now most of my readers (this probably includes you) are the ones that can’t control themselves and want to call or text their ex.
Don’t do that. You’re giving him attention and possibly in the worst way. He’s not even asking for it, but you’re waving your hand like a teacher’s pet asking to be picked. Even if you are looking at his Facebook page or his photos, you are giving him attention. You are using your time and emotions on something that doesn’t deserve your attention right now.
I know it’s hard to control yourself. It takes time and determination to remove someone who has just crushed your love life in a short time.
I’ve been there, and it’s not until a few weeks that I realized the damage I’m doing to myself by expending my energy to think about my ex. So delete his number and remove any items in your house that reminds you of him. Just store it away until they do not possess any influence on your life.
The attention should always be about you. Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but I think it’s time you give yourself the fullest attention and date yourself.
Wake up late and enjoy brunch at a local cafe. Then go for an hour of spa before you dress up to meet your friends for a night out.
While doing all that, do yourself a big favor and remove the burden of thinking about your ex. It’ll feel like heaven once this stress is lifted from your shoulders.
The No Contact Rule Works Great On Ex-Boyfriends
I’ve listed eight reasons why the No Contact Rule works effectively on men. But honestly, I hope you don’t need eight reasons to justify whether or not to go into radio silence.
I could go on with more reasons to prove to you that this distance between you and your ex is not only beneficial for both of you but is always working in your favor.
The No Contact Rule works every time if you do it the right way. If you want to win your ex-boyfriend back, you need to actively follow through this process for 30 days.
What about your ex? You just need to let him deal with the breakup in his own way.Guys suck at dealing with emotions. You probably know that. So when a breakup occurs, which is like a meteor hitting their emotion meter, they are in complete chaos.
While you’re letting the dust settle, take this time to be selfish and pamper yourself. Be You. It’s about time that you devote all your time and energy to live up to your potential.
It’s the reason why your ex fell in love with you. So if you want to be his Queen again, you need to step up your game.But don’t do it for him. Do it for you. Cause that’s what really matters.
What do you say we get started on the No Contact Rule? Here’s my version of this proven method.
Does The No Contact Rule Work If You Were Dumped?
Yes. In fact, the silent treatment is what you and your ex needs.
In fact, it’s the best thing you can do for each other.