Updated: October, 2019
By now you’ve heard why the No Contact Rule is effective and a must after breakups. But it is just a tough process! You’ve probably tried and failed many times, each time failing miserably harder than the previous.
How do you follow through when you’ve hit rock bottom?
I know what you’re going through. I’ve been in that hole one too many times that I can still remember all the desperate tricks I’ve tried to hack the No Contact Rule.
But there’s no way around this life-saving rule girl. 30 days is 30 days.
It’s an obstacle that’s designed to help you overcome what’s been dragging you down into a miserable life. It’s a sign that you’ve hit rock bottom of your love life and you need a buoy to relieve you of the emotional burden and stress that’s overpowering your identity.
Is the No Contact Rule effective? Yes.
Is it necessary? No other way around it girl.
But it works every time if you actively push through for 30 days.
The No Contact Rule is a healing process you must go into right after a breakup regardless if you want to get your ex back or not. It’s a process that helps you recover from the emotional pain and leave the past behind you before you move on.
Radio silence is key after a breakup and exactly what you need to get back on your feet.
Most of us have tried the No Contact Rule is some shape or form but never really understood the purpose or steps to experience the full effect of this technique. After many years of my own experience and coaching the No Contact Rule, I’ve tweaked and refined this rule to come up with my version that’s more guided and active to bring some effective results once completed.
Why Is The No Contact Rule So Effective?
In its very core, the No Contact Rule gives you two things that you’ve lost and sacrificed while in a relationship.
Time and Freedom.
You’re so caught up in romance and maintaining a relationship that you forget to give time to yourself. I’m not referring to time for shopping or taking a yoga class. You need some real alone time to reflect and pursue your life goals. And while you were in a relationship, most of us (including me) prioritize our life goals second to love, and that man who we hope is “the one”.
And now that you’re out of a relationship, you have all the time and freedom to explore what really matters to you. If you got a bucket list, dust it off and start ticking off some achievements. If you want to trek around Kathmandu, go for it! All these journeys will help you define who you really are.
It’ll set you free and feel alive. It’s what the No Contact Rule wants you to see — the true version of yourself.
The No Contact Rule works every time to help you rediscover yourself.
Does The Contact Rule Work On Men?
This is one of the burning questions I get from my readers. I wrote a separate article to discuss many reasons why the silent treatment works so well with guys.
In short, ignoring the guy after a breakup is the best thing you can do. It’s reverse psychology. The more you ignore him, the more he’s attracted to you.
Is it cruel? Not at all. You’re doing each other a favor by staying away and allowing time to help heal the emotional wounds.
7 Reasons Why The No Contact Rule Is Effective
The bad news is that the No Contact Rule is easy to break. One unintended distraction about your ex will send you back into an emotional turmoil. One desperate slip to contact your ex and ask for a second chance will make you look weaker than ever. Nobody wants a desperate and weak partner. Would you?
So your only option is to go up through the No Contact period.
Here are seven reasons why this golden rule is so effective after a breakup. I hope you can understand the power and psychology behind it and realize that this is the best option for you when you’re feeling low.
1. Gives You Space To Detox
You owe it to yourself to take a break from relationships. It’s a huge effort to maintain a relationship both emotionally and physically. I know that you went through a lot of good memories and hardships with your ex. One of my clients even cried and said to me “You don’t know what we’ve been through. We had each other’s back.”
I get it. In fact, I went through the same things, which is why a relationship detox is exactly what you need right now more than ever before. Silence and ignoring your man after a fresh breakup is the best thing you can do for each other.
Trust me, your ex is emotionally unavailable right now. So you’re actually doing him a favor when giving the silent treatment.
For you, it’s time to contemplate about whether your past relationship was worth it.
Maybe it is. But for some, you might be tired of all the bulls**t.
It doesn’t matter if you want your ex-boyfriend back or not, if you want to recover from a broken heart, you need to let out all the emotional pain. It’s the only way to move on.
Don’t wallow in self-pity. There’s no time for you to cry over that scumbag. What’s done is done. The shock, denial, numbness, fear, anger, depression, and the feeling of being cheated. You need to let that all go. These emotions are all toxins, and if you keep carrying them in your heart and shoulders, they will cause not only emotional stress, but also physical pain.
The only thing you shouldn’t cry a river about is that your life was wasted. Don’t ever feel this way. You just went through a phase of your life with ups and downs. And now you’ve reached the end of a ride that didn’t go as expected. What’s left is a broken heart that needs time to heal and pieced back together.
Just like any detox you’ve tried (body and facial), you’ll come out refreshed once it’s done.
2. Your Old Relationship Is Dead
This is a hard pill to swallow but just hear me out, and it’ll all make sense. Your past relationship is gone, and you need to move on from it. What’s in the past should stay in the past. This is a good thing for you since it ended in the worst way imaginable.
Now, this doesn’t mean that your chances with your ex are gone too. You need to keep the old relationship and the new one as two separate endeavors. You want to start a new relationship with your ex on a clean slate. This time with a new version of you. If he hasn’t changed, then I suggest you move on to someone better (smile).
Your goal during the No Contact period is to get over your old relationship. Simple as that. Move on and look ahead. If it requires you to delete some photos or throw away your favorite necklace that your ex gave, then do it. Do whatever it takes to draw a line that you will never step back into.
If you keep looking at your past, you are living in the past which means the same relationship problems that you had before will resurface.
This period of radio silence will give you time to grieve the death of your old relationship. It’s a chapter of your life you need to close in order to move forward with your life.
3. Gives You Perspective
Time heals everything. It’s a simple fact that if you just wait long enough and let time run its course, it will correct everything.
It will also give you perspective so that you can realign your lifestyle with your dream.
Relationship-wise, time is the greatest asset to help you determine if your ex-boyfriend is worth fighting for.
Just consider the No Contact period as a time to pause and see how your life is going. Are you happy with where you are right now? Or is it nowhere close to what you thought you would be when you hit thirty?
Just step back, block out all the noise and distractions, and selfishly think about how you want to realign your life with our personal goals.
If your ex-boyfriend can’t help you get there, best to ditch him for someone that can be supportive and desirable. I mean it. Don’t ever let someone think lesser of you. Don’t let someone change who you are to become what they need.
4. Helps You Get Over Him
The first step of the No Contact rule is to get over your relationship (hence point number 2). The second step is to get over your ex. Whether or not you want him back is a choice you decide after 30 days of radio silence and self-reflection.
If he can be your rock and bring happiness to your life, go for it.
If it doesn’t look like he’s changed much, then why waste more of your emotional energy?
Do your best to forget about your ex for the next 30 days. The faster you can wipe him out of your daily routine, the faster you will recover from the mess.
The ugly truth is that you can’t move on with your life unless you get over him. I get a lot of replies from my readers that they don’t want to move on.
“But Charice, I don’t want to move on. I just want him back, and to the way things used to be.”
Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way. Nothing will be the same. And even if you have a chance to get him back in a short time, you don’t want to go back to that same tiring relationship. It’s filled with so much negativity, blame, and lack of trust that you’re only back with your ex-boyfriend for one reason only – stop the feeling of rejection.
Here’s the thing, if you are able to get over your ex for the time being, you will be able to make a better decision that aligns with your goals. I know this may all sound fairy tale and too much work, but all it takes is for you to ask yourself one question.
What do you want in life?
Focus on what it is you want in your life. Because if you achieve it, it will naturally draw in your ex-boyfriend. Then it will be your decision to decide if you want him back in your life or not.
That’s living on your own terms girl.
5. See What’s Out There And Date Again
Some of my coaching clients hesitated when I discussed this technique, but going out on a date is one of the best remedies for getting over a breakup.
I’m not talking about a Tinder date or putting out at all. I’m simply talking about getting out of your comfort zone and meeting new people and enjoying their company.
Something as simple as that is so effective to take your mind off all the relationship mess.
It’s therapeutic too.
Plus, what do you have to lose? I know you’re not in the mood and up for meeting new people. You’re just not emotionally ready. But that’s the whole point girl! You’ll don’t need to be ready and set expectations about how your night should turn out.
Just go out with a few friends and have fun.
Your only goal is to get out of the house and just go. Leave your sob story and desperation at home. Even if you don’t want to dress up or plan to talk to anyone, the fact that you’re getting out of your house will be the distraction you need from wasting another night thinking about your ex.
There are a lot of reasons why I encourage my coaching clients to get out there and meet new people. Here’s are two main reasons.
1. The more you get out there, the faster you will regain your confidence. One of the objectives of the No Contact Rule is to redefine yourself. This is a buffer period in your life where you are allowed to be selfish. Do what makes you happy and explore new things that will make you better.
2. Meeting new guys will help you understand what men want. One of the biggest flaws I see in my coaching program is that some clients don’t know what their exes want. They’re always talking about how their ex doesn’t pay attention to them. Well, how many of you pay attention to your ex-boyfriend? The more guys you meet, the more brains you can pick about what makes them tick.
I’m not asking you to sleep with every guy you meet. But just go out on a casual date with him and see if there’s any chemistry.
You just never know what will happen.
6. Remind Yourself That You Can Be Independent
One of my all-time favorite songs is Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger.” It’s my morning jam when I get out of bed every morning.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over ’cause you’re gone”
Being alone after a breakup doesn’t mean everything is over girl. It’s just a chapter that’s closed in your life that you need to let go and start piecing your life back together. Let’s get this straight: you can live without him.
You don’t need your ex in your life. And you choose to have him in your life because he makes you a better person.
But while you two are separated, it’s time to regain control over your life. One thing I noticed from my readers is that a lot of us forget to love ourselves. We are so deep in the relationship that we forget who we are and our worth. We forget that we have the power to be independent.
So love yourself.
Be selfish and decide what’s important to you. The No Contact Rule is a period for you to reflect and prioritize things that matter most to you. I’m sure your ex is at the top of the list. But what else is that you want to achieve in life?
In fact, the faster you can show the world that you are strong and independent, the easier it is to get your ex’s attention. Once he sees that you are back on your feet glowing with success, he’ll come chasing after you again. Only this time around, you’re going to play hard to get and make him work for your attention.
The sexiest thing a woman can be is to be independent. Here are five characteristics that you can set as benchmarks.
1. She speaks for herself.
2. She doesn’t need fake relationships.
3. She knows her worth.
4. She doesn’t need anyone to help her get what she wants
5. She isn’t easily influence by others.
One last thing. Don’t apologize for who you are. We all have flaws and weaknesses, and there’s no need to be ashamed of it. Nobody’s perfect. You just need to be comfortable in your skin.
7. He’s Not The Only One
I’m not going to argue with you that your ex might not be “the One.” But I can guarantee to you that he’s not the only perfect guy for you. There are a lot of great guys out there with great qualities who can complement your lifestyle.
The No Contact period is the ideal buffer zone for you to take that chance and see if there’s a better man who will support your interests.
I know that you and your ex has been through a lot. Plus it’s exhausting to find another guy that’s right for you when you know that your ex is good enough.
But don’t settle girl. You deserve someone better. Always.
Let’s look at this the other way. You know your ex is good enough for you which means he’s a candidate if you choose to get back together. But why not find someone else to compare with?
Your ex is going to be so jealous! And that siren in his head is just going to explode once he finds out that there’s a more successful guy ready to sweep you away.
My point is, just be open to dating other men. Even if you’re not ready to date, you have nothing to lose to go out and have lunch with an old friend and catch up.
Just like I mentioned about in Point 5, dating other guys will help you with these two things.
1. You regain your self-confidence and learn how to leverage your beauty.
2. You learn what guys want and what makes them tick.
The No Contact Rule Is Always Effective
If you can pretend the No Contact period as spring break, then you are in good hands. Leave your emotional baggage at home and just get out to see what your friends and area have to offer.
Just let go of your past for now and think about where you want to be.
Even if you are pretending to have fun, eventually faking it becomes real once you understand that this is just an obstacle you need to overcome. The steps in the No Contact Rule will guide you away from your sorrows and empower you to live up to your potential.
This golden rule is effective and works every time if you do it the right way.
I’ve listed seven reasons why the No Contact Rule is the best medicine for you. It’s a break from relationships, a relief for your heart and soul. I hope you can see the power and psychology behind the silent treatment and why it works so well after a breakup.
It’s time to put yourself first.
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