Updated: September, 2019
While you are going through the No Contact Rule, the idea of talking to your ex is going to resurface. Many times. I get it, the urge comes naturally, and you can’t help it.
But right now is not the best time to think about how to talk to your ex.
It’s a big distraction to think about the prize when you should be putting your head down and focusing on yourself.
This is why I decided to write about this topic. If you want to learn how to talk to your ex and get him back, then follow the advice below before you move forward.
You need to be mentally and physically prepared first.
That’s right, you’re trying to make a second first impression. Do you know how hard that is with someone who loved and hated you for some time? Think about trying to reconnect with someone who lost everything and had to start over.
Maybe that’s not who your ex is like, but let’s picture the worst scenario.
So are you ready to talk to your ex after months of distance?
How do you know when you’re ready?
I’ve always encouraged my clients and readers to reach a point where they can act sassy and classy.
Sassy = lively, bold, smart
Classy = with class
This attitude is the perfect combination to wow your ex-boyfriend and make him open his eyes wide and on the prize again.
So do you have sass and class? If not, what are you doing during no contact?!? Just kidding girl, it takes some practice to bring out the spark in you again. First, you have to leave the breakup mess. Then you have to step out of your comfort zone and explore new ideas. You need to feel young again and tap into your feminine side.
But for now, let’s focus on how to talk to your ex with some sass and class.
Before You Decide To Talk To Your Ex…
Please do me a favor and don’t read further if you haven’t completed the No Contact Rule.
Don’t try to sneak up the timeline. It’ll only expose your emotional instability and desperation when you meet with your ex. Trust me, your former flame can quickly tell when you’re faking it! He’s known you for many years inside and out, what makes you think he can’t smell BS when he hears that worried high-pitched giggle.
Do yourself a favor and focus on complete radio silence for at least 30 days.
Going no contact is allowing yourself to explore and bring out your sassy and classy side.
It’s hard to fake that you’re okay and have moved on from the breakup. Give yourself time to release all the emotional pain. Just let it all out, girl. Because if you don’t, your emotions will betray you, and your ex will see right through your weakness and intentions.
I can’t stress how important it is to prepare for your first conversation with your ex. It’s a pivotal moment that will define your chances of getting back together.
You need to train and practice your confidence until it’s second nature in your speech and body language.
How To Talk To Your Ex With Sass & Class
Before I reveal my favorite tips on how to talk to your ex and connect with him, let’s briefly talk about getting in the right mindset and having the right attitude.
Sassy and Classy.
It’s all about how you carry yourself, how you act, and express yourself that defines class. Three characteristics of being classy are knowledge, wit, and sincerity.
As to the sassy part, this is the icing on the cake. It’s your ability to let out on occasions and just be lively and bold. Your energy is contagious and welcomed. You want to bring a spark to a new relationship.
That being said, here are six tips to help you connect with your ex-boyfriend after many months of no contact.
Keep Your Cool and Composure
Are you the type of girl that lets her emotions get the best of her? Do you panic or give in quickly?
When you meet your ex-boyfriend for the first time, you need to be stone-cold in a way that nothing your ex says or do will psyche you out of your game plan.
You need to prepare for the worst thing your ex can throw at you – him talking about a new girl or worst, he brings him along!
How will you react then?
Trust me, the less you can be rattled, the more bothered your ex is as he starts to think that you’re over him.
Be Present And Stick To Your Plan
If you choose to meet your ex in person for your first conversation, don’t get too carried away with the time spent together.
In fact, I would recommend your first meetup to be short and sweet.
Stay on the script and focus on the reason you are meeting with your ex. If it’s to ask for his help, get his advice, thank him, and get going. Don’t linger to ask more about his life and trying to sneak a few questions to see if he’s dating. Trust me, it’s not worth the risk.
Stick to the agenda, so you don’t blow your cover. If you’re like me, excitement can make you say and do the wrong things!
Don’t flirt and stand your ground. You need to appear independent and a changed person. If you make a slight move, your ex might feel like he’s still got some control over your feelings. Make sure to play hard if he decides to ask you out so quickly. Your ex can be testing your emotions.
Ask About Him
I know this might contradict my statement above about sticking to the topic already, but hear me out.
At the beginning of your first encounter, you’re bound to ask your ex a few questions about him. This is acceptable from my side.
Ask some generic open-ended questions about how he is doing. Complement him a little as an easy icebreaker. But whatever you do, don’t touch or linger your hands on his shoulder.
Since you’re the one that wants to meet, you should learn how to guide the conversation. Take the lead, so you are in full control of the conversation.
Remember, don’t go overboard asking your ex-boyfriend about his new life. Your goal is only to break the barrier and initiate contact. That’s it! It’s not to catch up and see where your future is with him.
This is why it’s important to be classy and carry yourself with sincerity and humbleness. If you’re doing great and ticking items off your bucket list, there’s no need to brag or rub it in your ex’s face.
Even if your ex looks like he’s doing good for himself, don’t try to compare and one-up him.
Keep in mind that your ex-boyfriend has also successfully recovered from the emotional breakup pain. The least you can do is congratulate him on overcoming it like an addiction.
Here’s a sneaky tip: if you went to Bali and it’s a place that you and your ex have talked about going before, you don’t need to say anything to let him know. Just wear a piece of jewelry native to Bali, that is unique enough your ex will notice!
Even if he doesn’t mention anything, at least he’ll notice the earrings and start to wonder where that’s from since he’s never seen you wear it before.
Save those stories for a date further down the line when both of you have opened up.
But in your first encounter, stay humble and classy.
Be Genuine Every Step Of The Way
I don’t think I can stress this enough, but you need to be genuinely sincere when talking to your ex-boyfriend for the first time. You have to show him that you’ve truly moved on and you’re doing the best you can.
You have no idea what a relief that will be when he hears that. After all, he still cares about you.
Don’t try to guilt your ex-boyfriend to make him feel sorry for you. Don’t manipulate his emotions and play sympathy. It’s a short game that will backfire once your ex realizes he’s been played.
And it’s a tiring act for you to keep up.
Just be real. Be you. That’s the kind of girl a man can relate to.
Show genuine interest in him and forgiveness if you’re looking to restart a relationship. Whether it’s a friendly one or a second go at love, your ex-boyfriend will sense your change of heart once he sees your sincere side.
Which guy doesn’t want a down-to-earth girl?
Play To His Ego
I think a lot of people forget that men have emotions too. Sometimes they are more emotional than we are and take negative impacts harder than women. But one thing for sure is that men hide their feelings better than us.
They don’t display everything they’re feeling.
So it’s your job to read cues from your ex-boyfriend. Is he putting on a happy face for you and still feeling emotional pain? Is there something he’s hinting that he would like to share?
If your ex wants to share some good news, let him have the stage and share it. Be supportive and listen actively. Show your genuine interest and prove to him that you can be a good listener too.
Men love women who don’t mind being the listener. Lend him your ears, sit back, and smile. It’s the easiest thing you can do to make his day.
What Topics Can We Talk About?
Take some time to decide and plan what topics you can talk about. Usually, aim for light topics that are neutral and easy going for both of you.
If you are meeting in person, you need to prepare for any questions thrown at you. Think of it as an interview or an interrogation. Perhaps your ex is excited to meet you, but if he is any way annoyed, he might try to test you with some questions to make you reveal your true intentions.
The only way to avoid that: be genuinely sassy and classy.
Topics To Talk To Your Ex About
Keep this in mind: the first time you meet with your ex, you want it to be for a specific reason that he can help or advise you with.
Perhaps you need some advice for your career. Or you’re planning to buy a new car and want your ex-boyfriend’s take since he’s a car fanatic who loves to talk about car specs.
He’s the perfect guy to help you because you know he’s good at it (tout his horn here a little). And no doubt, your ex is going to ask “Why me?”. You better prepare a great answer for that.
In addition to what your ex can assist you with, prepare some sub-topics that will interest him and show him you’ve changed.
– any new activities he’s doing
– how his family and friends are doing
– his career
Keep the conversations about each topic short unless your ex-boyfriend is willing to share more. The more you ask, the more it seems like you’re prying.
What Shouldn’t I Talk About?
These topics below are strictly forbidden. So no matter how amazing you think your conversation is going, bite your tongue and hold these topics for another time.
What happened to us?
Don’t bring up any topics about your old relationship and the breakup. It’s water under the bridge. If you’re still looking for answers, you need to stay in no contact a little longer and find the answers within yourself.
Your ex is not looking to go another round of explanations with you. It just doesn’t do anyone any good. Discussing the breakup with your ex should not even be on your agenda, ever.
Don’t let your ex feel like you’re stuck in the past.
Are you seeing anyone?
This is probably the question that lingers in the back of your mind. But it’s the one question you cannot ask.
The best way to combat this pressing question is to tell yourself that it’s none of your business. You two are entitled to keep secrets from one another.
Either way, you’re happy for him. And you’re even happier that he’s giving you a chance to meet up and talk again. For me, that’s a win I’ll take and get going to plan for the next contact.
Don’t try to be sneaky and try to hint in ways for your ex to spill his new love life. It doesn’t help you at all if he’s dating or not. In fact, it weakens your position because you could come across as threatened by the news.
Trust me, the more indifferent you are to your ex’s dating situation, the stronger you’ll come across. And that is a characteristic your ex (or any man) can’t resist!
What do you think about getting back together?
Really? On your first meet up with your ex, and you’re thinking about going all the way? No way, girl. Don’t sabotage yourself and your worth.
I know most of you are smart enough to avoid this question. But believe me, I’ve read some emails where women have dropped this bomb on their ex on their first encounter! Insane move rigtht!?
If you’re following along, you know that this is the last thing on your mind. It’s your goal, but you need to play the long game.
Your ex hasn’t made any moves yet, and you are already showing him your cards.
Where’s the fun in that?
Should I Text, Call, or Meet In Person?
I’m a big fan of texting. This is my recommended approach for the entire process of getting your ex back.
It’s safe, easy, and allows you to be in full control of your message. It also removes distractions that can throw you off.
The only downside is that you may be stuck waiting for a reply and wondering why your ex hasn’t replied. This usually happens to people who overlook the power of text messages and don’t have the skills to craft a text message that yields a reply.
I’ve taught many women in our coaching how to come up with the perfect message that your ex can’t resist replying.
If you’ve got the confidence and new looks, then meeting in person is your best option. What I’ve written above mostly applies to meeting your ex in person.
I don’t recommend calling your ex-boyfriend at all because there may be distractions on his side that take away his attention. Plus, it’s easy for your ex to detect anxiety and weakness through your voice.
How To Get Your Ex To Talk To You Again
So you’ve had your first encounter with your ex. Congrats!
What’s next if you parted ways without planning the next one?
Wait for a few weeks and see if your ex initiates the next contact. Give him a chance to reciprocate if he has good vibes. This is why your first encounter must be neutral because you want to give your ex-boyfriend the impression that you want to be friends.
You’re harmless and not looking for something yet.
However, try to post occasionally on social media to keep you in his radar. Make the photos as neutral as possible. Don’t post a crazy photo of you and the girls going out. If you think the photo will make your ex jealous, don’t post it.
What if he doesn’t contact you?
If your ex doesn’t respond within three weeks, go ahead and shoot him a text message. This time, try sending him a message that interests him. Perhaps news about his favorite band or if there’s a sale at his favorite clothing store.
For more ideas, I would recommend this program called Text Your Ex Back to come up with the right text messages to attract your ex.