Updated: November, 2019
Are you sending texts to your ex and not receiving any responses from him? Want to know how to text your ex the right way?
I know that feeling when you’re looking for a little response from your ex-boyfriend, but he’s showing not a single drop of compassion here.
Just cold and heartless like he never met you before.
But have you ever thought about why your ex-boyfriend isn’t responding to your text messages?
Perhaps the tone or the message itself is not appropriate. Maybe your tone screams desperation, and therefore your ex knows it’s best to ignore the text. Or you asked him a question that hits a nerve.
We’ve all been there and sent crazy and continuous texts. Then we regret sending them and start to be apologetic with six more texts.
This has to stop girl!
Put down your phone and read this article before you cause any more damage to your reputation.
I’m going to lay out the guidelines of texting your ex which includes:
- The Basics
- Dos and Don’ts
- When To Text Your Ex
By the end of this article, you’ll have a good grasp of how to text your ex in a classy way that he will be surprised it’s coming from you.
Now if you are planning to text your ex to get back together, I have a separate article that goes over my game plan along with some text examples.
For now, let’s go over the guidelines on how to text your ex.
Why Use Text Messages To Contact Your Ex?
Texting to initiate contact with your ex-boyfriend is my preferred option. This form of communication is what worked for me in the past and what I teach our clients.
It’s subtle, safe, and powerful.
And it sure beats meeting your ex in person or call. You never know when your emotions will get the best of you and take over your conversations.
Plus, what are you going to do when there’s awkward silence?
Texting eliminates all those fears and discomfort for both of you. When done right, you won’t need to wait around for your ex’s reply. With the right words and expectations, you can create a text message that your ex will be happy to reply to.
Trust me. A few short sentences can trigger a lot of excitement and help you build rapport and trust fast. It also leaves the right amount of ambiguity to make your ex wonder what you’re up to.
All it takes is following a simple guideline and some text examples to get you started. The best part? You are in full control of what to text your ex and when to send it out.
All in the comfort of your home.
But like I said, texting your ex needs to be done the right way. If not, your ex is going to see right through the messages and expose your true intentions.
You have to be texting your ex-boyfriend for the right reasons. Let’s get started.
Are You Texting Your Ex For The Right Reasons?
Before you begin, it’s essential to know why you want to text your ex. It should be for one reason only: you want to get back together.
If you miss your ex or texting to get some answers from the breakup, then don’t bother at all. Even if you think you deserve an explanation or looking for closure, don’t text your ex.
Why? Because you are not going to get the truth.
So why bother pushing him into a corner and burn the bridge for good? It’s best to find the problems and answers within yourself, so you can live with it and move forward without anyone’s approval.
Now, the subject of your texts shouldn’t be about getting back together. If your text looks like the one below, you need to stop.
Hey, how are you? I’m sorry about what happened. Can you give me a second chance?
Keep in mind that getting back together is your end goal. It should never be mentioned in any of your texts.
Let me repeat: don’t text anything about getting back together.
So what should you text about then?
Each text should be about a specific topic or reason. For example, you need some financial advice from your ex because he’s a math whiz. Or your car is making this distressing sound that worries you. If you think your ex-boyfriend is the best person to offer you advice, then the chances of him replying are high.
Why? Because your ex-boyfriend is familiar with your circle of friends and knows that there’s no one else that could help you out.
Plus a quick reply seems harmless.
Here’s a quick example.
Hey, sorry to bother you. My car is making some loud sound every time I start it off. Any idea what it is? Thanks.
Just like this. And if your ex doesn’t reply, don’t sweat it. It’s like asking a friend for some advice. Some people respond, some don’t. Worst case, just take your car to a repair shop and get it fixed.
Here’s the secret behind a text message like this. There’s a safety concern behind your car issue which is now implanted in the back of your ex’s head. If he still cares about you, he’s going to ask more about your car.
See how easy it is to come up with a legitimate reason to text your ex?
Not sure if you should text your ex? I’ve written an article to help you decide if you should be texting your ex.
How To Text Your Ex The Right Way
Texting is an easy process. I’m a big advocate of using texting as the first step of reaching out to your ex. That first contact can be intimidating, awkward, and emotional.
But it doesn’t have to be. When you use texting, it eliminates a lot of tensions because your first text will be well crafted and planned for the perfect moment.
As easy as it sounds, it’s also easy to mess up a text. One wrong word choice can change the tone and context. Desperate people send desperate texts and regret later that they didn’t think it through.
If you want positive results, follow a texting blueprint with examples to guide you. Use the templates and change some words to go with your situation.
I’d recommend a program like Text Your Ex Back by Michael Fiore. It is created for people who want to get back with their ex and focuses on using texting to get back into your ex-boyfriend’s heart.
I’ve personally used a lot of the techniques in the program. I’ve also shared some of the tactics and ideas in my article below.
If you’re ready to text your ex, here is a general guideline of dos and don’ts to follow regardless of what stage of communication you are with your ex.
DOs of Texting an Ex
Have a specific reason to text.
Like I mentioned earlier, make sure you have a specific topic you want to involve your ex-boyfriend. Don’t just say hi and see what he’s doing. Ask for some advice or help.
It makes your text look harmless and neutral.
Here are some ideas:
- Your car is having trouble.
- You need help picking insurance.
- You need advice on an upcoming interview.
- Your niece wants to know more about UCLA (your ex’s alma mater).
- What coffee should you get your boss (if your ex is a coffee enthusiast).
Keep each text short.
A few sentences are all it takes to get a message across. I’ve seen some people write texts explaining the whole situation to their ex. Don’t do that!
Hey, sorry to bother you but I need some help picking up a gift for my boss. He recently gave me a promotion, and I want to buy him something to show my appreciation. He’s really into coffee these days, and I thought that would be something he’d like. But I don’t know anything about coffee or whether I should get him beans or some machine. It’s so hard! Do you think you can help? Thanks!
Instead, write something short and sweet like this.
Hey, sorry to bother you but I’d appreciate your advice. I want to get my boss some coffee as a gift. Which brand of beans do you recommend? Thanks!
See how powerful this text message is? It gets to the point and asks a specific reply from the ex. It’s also open-ended and doesn’t sound like you are desperate for your ex’s response. You mentioned that you appreciate his help which is classy, and the ball is in his court to reply.
Which brings me to my next point.
Don’t expect a reply.
That’s right, you shouldn’t expect your ex to respond. It takes a lot of self-control here, but the minute you sit there and wait for your ex’s reply, you have surrendered your feminine power.
Once you hit send, just move on with your day. Pretend that you also sent the text to a few friends, not only to your text if one of them replies, great! If not, it doesn’t matter because you have other resources to find the answer.
Look, you are asking your ex for his advice. If he doesn’t reply, it shouldn’t have any effect on you. The ball is in his court now and if he chooses not to reply, then take it as a sign that he’s not ready to talk with you yet.
Perhaps he’s not over the breakup and holding on to the anger. But eventually, he’ll get over it and see that you’ve matured and legitimately asking for help.
And guess what? Somewhere in the back of his head, he knows that he’s keeping you hanging.
Keep the tone upbeat.
It goes without saying that if you send a negative or threatening text, your ex is not going to respond positively. There’s no need to send any lousy text at this point since you’re guaranteed only to upset yourself.
Promise me you won’t be that girl.
Instead, keep your tone positive and polite. Your words speak for you and carry your well-being. Make your ex-boyfriend excited to hear from you and want to reply back.
That being said, don’t end every sentence with an exclamation mark. It just gives away that you are excited to talk to your ex!
Stay calm and collected girl.
Just like how smiling is contagious, make your texts upbeat, so your ex looks forward to your next text.
READ: Should I Text My Ex First?
Share a tiny bit about yourself.
Perhaps you’ve figured it out, but in your text, you are sharing a new piece of information about you to your ex-boyfriend. Maybe you got a new promotion, or you are picking insurance because you got a new car. This news will get your ex curious about you. Perhaps a little jealousy.
However, don’t brag or gloat about your success. Never do that. You might push your ex away if he thinks you’re better without him.
Let that new information about you sink into your ex’s mind. Ideally, it’ll stick in his head long enough that he brings it up in his next text.
If so, we got ourselves a text conversation girl.
DON’Ts of Texting an Ex
Let’s move on to what you shouldn’t text to your ex-boyfriend. A lot of these are apparent, but I know we all break some rules here and there.
Don’t send negative texts.
This includes any needy, desperate, hate, or threatening ideas you have towards your ex. Just don’t send them.
Why would you anyway? To get even or make him miserable? How does it make you feel better knowing you’ve insulted someone again?
If you feel the need to get back at your ex-boyfriend, keep it to yourself and find an exercise to release the anger.
Just let it go.
Don’t drunk text.
If you are someone who can’t handle alcohol and do stupid things when you’re tipsy, you need to ask someone to hold your phone when you’re on a girls’ night out.
Just don’t drunk text. Chances are you will regret it the second you regret it.
Don’t booty-call text too. You’re better than that.
Don’t talk about your past relationship.
I always advise my clients never to seek any explanation or closure with their ex once their breakup is final. There isn’t anything to discuss further other than opening up old wounds.
Some people feel like their exes owe them an explanation. Others need it for closure. Honestly, do you think you will get the truth from an ex who’s moved on?
What makes you think your ex will spill his feelings to you when he’s over the breakup? Over you?
Even worse, your ex-boyfriend will make up something that you want to hear so that you will leave him alone.
If you are looking to revisit your past relationship, do it during our own self-reflection time.
Don’t let the past get in the way of you rekindling a new relationship with your ex.
Don’t brag or gloat.
If you’ve recovered from your breakup and now in full confidence, good for you! Maybe you’ve ticked off a few items on your bucket list, but there’s no need to brag about it in your text to your ex.
You can hint about it, but that’s about it. Don’t be in your ex’s face bragging about how well you are doing. It’s just unnecessary to gloat in someone’s face, especially when you don’t know how the other person is doing.
Maybe he’s having a hard time moving on. Perhaps he’s dealing with serious issues and struggling with his life.
Keep your success aside and be humbled that you are moving forward.
Don’t rush to reply.
If your ex replies, congrats! Do a quick happy dance but don’t reply immediately. You don’t want him thinking that you’ve been staring at your phone waiting for his reply.
Instead, take the time to come up with something smart and casual. Remember, you want to keep the text conversation going. Therefore, think about adding in a question to your reply so that your ex can respond.
It’s not how fast you reply; it’s how you reply.
What To Do If I’ve Sent Negative Texts?
If you’ve sent a negative text before, send a quick and short text apologizing to your ex.
[text: Hey, sorry for the dumb text yesterday. I regret it and wish I could take it back. It won’t happen again.]
Don’t expect a reply or anything. Just let it go and move on with your life and have no contact with your ex for at least a month. This gives him enough time to get over the text and move past it.
How Often Should I Text My Ex?
Short answer: it depends.
But before you get out your phone, make sure you understand these two golden rules.
- You have completed at least 30 days of no contact.
- You have a legitimate reason to send a text.
When you’re first starting out, you should only send one-off texts, meaning that you are asking your ex-boyfriend for advice or help but don’t expect a reply.
The goal is to test the waters and see if your ex-boyfriend is open to talking to you again. As I mentioned earlier, your ex may or may not reply to your first texts. But at least you’ve initiated and took a huge leap for the sake of true love.
You also need to see what kind of response he gives. Is it positive, or is he indifferent?
Send one-off texts once every two weeks for the first two months and see how your ex responds. If you get a positive reply, take your time to send another text with something your ex can ask you about. You want to give the impression that you have something going on.
But if you have an answer from him, end the text conversation and wait a few weeks before you send another text.
These one-off texts should be a total of 4-6 texts between the two of you. Remember the purpose of these texts is to ask for quick help, nothing more.
If your ex-boyfriend does not respond, then wait a few weeks before you try another text. Make sure to change the topic.
Now if you’ve tried to text your ex-boyfriend several times and he doesn’t have the courtesy to text back asking you to leave him alone, then he probably isn’t worth your time.
Why bother if your ex hasn’t matured and don’t have manners to ask you to stop texting politely?
Would you want a man like that?
The timing and frequency of texting are unique for every situation and also depends on the response. There’s no right or wrong but use the tips above as guidelines.
Should I Use Messenger, Whatsapp, or Phone Texts?
Pick the messaging app that your ex uses most. This way, you can be sure that he’s always active online and wouldn’t miss a text from you. Phone texts are less common these days as some areas require additional costs to send and/or receive messages.
If you are using a messaging app, promise me that you are not staring at the screen all day to see if the icon shows that your ex has read the message.
Send the text and move on with your day.
Texting Your Ex To Get Him Back?
Most women who ask me for advice on texting their exes have the intention of getting back together.
If rekindling a relationship is not your goal, then it’s not necessary to get in touch with your ex-boyfriend. Why put both of you on an emotional rollercoaster when you don’t know what to get out of a platonic relationship?
The tensions will always hang over your head, knowing that you two broke up and don’t intend on getting back together. Don’t be friends with your ex.
The only exception to this rule is if you need some serious help or advice from your ex and he is the only one who has the knowledge that you can trust.
Just don’t make a habit of always turning to him.
If you want to text your ex back, the best way to plan and come up with powerful texts is to follow a guide like Text Your Ex Back. It takes out a lot of the guesswork and includes enough text examples for you to use.